Jonathan Cooke

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

@Minkimus The same dude’s are notorious for also saying “they” lost.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

@justthejig I’m more frightened by the fact you had to hope to lose in the first place.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

I dated Emily for 2 years, and we’ve been married for 2 years. In that time, I have given her…

- snake boots
- rain boots
- ll bean boots
- cowboy boots
- hiking boots
- work boots

I’m running out of boots.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

Once and for all, can anyone actually explain the difference between mild and medium salsa?

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

@wilshults @joshmckenzie The Zune wasn’t ahead of its time, because the paper weight had already been invented.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

@IAmDaCoop @GrantAZeller You’re dead to me.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

Men are either a ‘haha’ guy or an ‘lol’ guy. I do not trust lol guys.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

@_JoshHall The answer is in the question.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

@robleagle @emilyacooke_ Honeymoon phase bruh, you wouldn’t know about it anymore.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

@robleagle @emilyacooke_ Please refer to item number 3.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

A co-worker has been repeatedly whistling "I've been workin on the railroad" all day.
Wrong sir, you've been working at an insurance agency.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

I don't watch a full NBA game until the Finals, but with that said, I'm genuinely excited for next season.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

Last night my wife said the words, "she threw shade at Chip and Joanna" and for a split second I didn't know who I had married.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

Between my wife and our Labrador, I'm really not sure which one sheds more.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

@grantste You think that's hard? Try getting out of bed every morning. It's like I'm training for the Olympics.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

@grantste I said the same thing about being an adult.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

@wilshults They said please!

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

@emilyacooke_ Redacted.

[Jonathan Cooke @callmecooke]

I usually don't think I have a Texan accent, until I use voice dictation on my phone, and read what it thinks I said. #TexasIndependenceDay