El Duderiño

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life

[Emanuel Quiñones @EQuinones6310]

The World Cup has turned America into a discovery channel for the rest of the world.

And they are not handling it well.
In the best possible way.

Here is what they are discovering:

Free public restrooms. Europeans pay every time.
Free water at every restaurant. Just appears.
Free refills. Coffee. Sodas. Iced tea. Unlimited.
Free chips and salsa before you even order.
Free warm bread with dinner.
Ice in drinks like civilized people.
Air conditioning everywhere. Not a moral debate. A fact.
Parking lots attached to the actual place you are going.
Drive throughs where the food comes to the car while you sit in it.
Ranch dressing by the gallon.
Tex-Mex that cannot be explained only experienced.
Dental care that actually works.
Buccee’s. There are no words for Buccee’s.

Then they found the grocery stores.

Five of them within one mile.
Each one the size of an aircraft hangar.
Burgers. Steaks. Brisket. Ribs. Pulled pork. Lamb. Veal. Every cut of every animal ever domesticated by human civilization available in one refrigerated aisle at ten in the morning on a Tuesday.

The Germans stood in the meat section for forty five minutes.
In silence.
Processing.

They finally understand why we do not have trains.

We have roads wide enough for the cars we actually drive.
Parking lots the size of small European countries.
Airports in every city worth visiting.

Why would we need trains.

The Germans are taking ranch home by the bottle.
The Dutch found queso and briefly lost the ability to speak.
The Japanese are photographing HEB like it is the Louvre.
The Czechs are weeping in West, Texas.

Welcome to America!
The greatest country on earth.

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

Johnny’s daddy was taking him fishin’
When he was 8 years old

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

WE’RE THE BEST FUCKING TEAM IN THE WORLD #USA #250YearsofIndependenceBitches

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

Can’t win a World Cup in these jerseys. Why would the stripes have a white patch in the back and not go all the way around? Need the blues to be better

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

Saw Tom Cruise in the building and hammered USA

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

We’re using internet search history as evidence in ESPN articles now

[Adam Schefter @AdamSchefter]

Former NFL linebacker Darron Lee has been indicted on a murder charge in the death of his partner.

Story via @AP:

https://t.co/sodVQzeYT7

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

I hope Yzerman gives Kane the C and the team immediately wins a Cup

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

God willing and the creek don’t rise

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

Imagine the PGA having sprinklers turn on in the middle of a major. #ConvenientItWasBetweenInnings

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

They should let Chalamet play these final minutes

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

“The tax that you pay for loving people, is losing them”

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

Hey mister can you tell me
Where a man might find a bed

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

I’m good at rolling dice
No good at standing still
You like the thought of chasing life instead of dollar bills

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

#bucciovertimechallenge Thompson / Blais

[Julie Stewart-Binks @JSB_TV]

“No one circles the wagons like @BuffaloSabres” - Chris Berman in the house. Absolutely electric. @GAME7

[The Wall Street Journal @WSJ]

Four Navy jet crew members ejected safely after a crash at an Idaho air show, the AP reported.

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

If they wanted accuracy from QB they would have kept Tua

[Adam Schefter @AdamSchefter]

New Dolphins QB Malik Willis threw out the first pitch Friday night:

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

I hope one day sports decides that all the ads are just displayed on TV. And if you’re willing to enjoy it in person and pay enough for a ticket then you get rewarded with the pure enjoyment of uninterrupted sports and slightly overpriced concessions

[Tyrese Haliburton @Hali]

That looked familiar

[El Duderiño @cambeckley]

The bball gods give Toronto the most jaw dropping bounces