Louisa Melcher

authenticity is expensive but worth it :)

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

Fired for "abusing WFH policy." It was bound to happen eventually, but I weep for my $300k of stock that was scheduled to vest next month.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

Okay am I dumb? Because the nanny mom (my now ex-boss) acted like this was obvious. OBVIOUS TO WHOM???

In other news, I will literally never feel clean again.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

So this man repeatedly told me his name was Adam. I just thought it was Justin Bieber (using an alias for privacy) and nothing could convince me otherwise. I think I ruined my life.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

On my honeymoon and earlier today I paid a psychic on the beach for a “soulmate drawing.” Was pretty much a slam dunk for her. She just had to draw the man sitting next to me. Instead, she scribbled madly for 10 min and then flipped the canvas to show… my college ex-boyfriend. Down to the highly specific facial scar. My husband hasn’t said a word to me in four hours.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

Honestly, if her man had been nicer to me, I would have told her the truth. But he wasn't, so... she's happily married to someone else now!

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

We made sure she could breathe and then noped the fuck out of there. Found out later she completely missed the premiere.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

The irony is I was the most naturally beautiful woman there.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

The person knew we were together and kept her mouth shut. Mad respect tbh.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

Our friends called us heartless. But there's nothing like looking your dinner in her sweet doe eyes as you feed her her last meal. It's the way food production was meant to be, before all the processing and preservatives robbed it of its soul.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

Being in tech is accepting that your baby won't recognize your face til she's 5, but at least we're freeing her from the permanent underclass.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

I can't imagine a more diabolical thing to post. But it says a lot about me that my friends assumed it was intentional and were hyping me up in the comments LOL.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

A self-driving vehicle cost me my job and I will never stop talking about it. Who approved this policy?

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

I bought one and got a napkin with red lipstick on it. Thought there’s no way… Immediately checked it against MAC Locked Kiss 24H lipstick in Ruby True. YUP. It’s framed on my wall now.

[Polymarket @Polymarket]

JUST IN: Piles of garbage from Taylor Swift’s wedding have sold out, after being listed for $25/bag.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

It really took me cheating and him finding out for him to finally buy me a necklace. Whatever, I dodged a bullet.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

How do I know "love at first sight" is a myth? My literal husband called me a 4. (He now admits I'm closer to a 7... 7.5 with makeup.)

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

Do NOT get the eye-color changing procedure. It carries way too many risks, and if I had known about them, I never would have gone through with it.

I know it's my fault for not brushing up on my eye anatomy before agreeing to something so permanent, but I swear the practitioner misunderstood me on purpose because he wanted his Instagram post to go viral. Currently looking into legal action. Open to any and all advice.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

@NYMag It’s his fault she had to read it. He’s probably avoidant and withholding of his emotions, so she had no choice but to go straight to the source. I would insist that he take accountability for that.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

Not me gentle parenting my man...

(Don't come for him. He's a great partner -- he just has no filter.)

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

This is a waking nightmare. My cosmetologist friend says we need to go even bigger to make them even.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

@PopBase My ex already generated me as the Sphinx and said “riddle me this, why did you think you could cheat and not get caught.” Can’t wait for the class action lawsuit. I’m first in line. This sucks.

[Louisa Melcher @candidlylou]

@Dexerto This is why I promote gentle parenting. Consequences like that — being separated from one’s material possession’s — account for at least 90% of the traumatic childhood experiences I help clients work through as a therapist.