Captain Nigel

I wake up in the morning and piss excellence

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

By my calculations, if gas prices continue to decrease at this rate, it will be free by summer

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

2012; Alabama 42, Missouri 10
2014; Alabama 42, Missouri 13.

At least we're improving #Mizzou #babysteps

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

"Pants up! Don't loot!" #Ferguson

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

What if everything you see is actually a hallucination caused by inhaling oxygen.
Which explains why you blackout when you stop breathing

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

Maybe I'm not still in college; but I'm gonna drink like I am

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

I can think of a few ppl I'd like to nominate for the boiling water bucket challenge

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

“@MadelineEliz29: Note to self: never attend a dance function without a dance partner again” you've got my number

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

Me and my white friends would be joining the riots and looting in ferguson, but we have to be up for work in the morning...

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

People go apeshit for shark week; don't they realize discovery channel plays all year long and regularly has shows about sharks and shit ?

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

Is it still racist if I hate Obama's white half?

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

Someone at the gym asked me what event I'm training so hard for; I said "Life, motherfucker"

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

I haven't had chipotle yet this week, need to get on that

[GSElevator @GSElevator]

#1: I love how politicians complain about tax loopholes as if they didn’t write the laws.

[GSElevator @GSElevator]

#1: The fact that most people are too stupid to know how dumb they really are is the fabric holding our society together.

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

I tried to follow Tim Howard on Twitter but he blocked me..

[Cloyd Rivers @CloydRivers]

If we win the World Cup, the rest of the world has to start callin' it soccer. Merica.

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

Older lady I'm bidding a job for just told me I look like I'm 18 #BabyFace

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

The odds of me pulling out in front of you are much greater if you drive a Prius or a minivan #JustSaying

[Captain Nigel @CaptainNigel]

What is with this invasion of homeless ppl in Columbia?

[Men's Humor @MensHumor]

I would leave the house more often if there weren't idiots masquerading as people everywhere.