Captain Pancake

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

Can’t believe #satan got the most votes, then deleted them all! #sneaky #hacker #fucksatan

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

Top 3 items you wouldn’t re-use if you accidently dropped them down the toilet, #go! 1. Mobile Phone 2. Lipstick 3. BigMac
#toilets

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

Best of three #armwrestling competition. Who’s your #money on? #votenow #theimmortalstruggle

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

Introducing the #cocksie : a selfie of just the cock (and, when appropriate, the balls and maybe a bit of bum) #cocksie #selfie #trendbend

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

That #awkward moment you realise that rabbit you kept in a cage for 10 years is actually a child #eggonmyface

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

Had a #tarot reading today, keep an #openmind about these things. Apparently I'm going to die in an accident in the dildo factory I work in

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

Really shouldn't have tried to perform my own prostate exam. Especially not in my car, parked in front of a school #StrongAndStableMyArse

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

#prayforspongebob

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

Dreamt that 3 men held me down in a pub and stole my cock. After I realise one of them is my dad and the other two are me #analysethat

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

Imagine screaming "bugger off" at your own balls

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

4) I'm too scared to do the last two

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

3) discovering that "elbow grease" is a real substance, and #drowning in it

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

2) #Clowns; trapped in a room with, and/or gang raped by

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

1) Take off and landing during a flight

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

Top 5 fears, go! #getinvolved #saturdaymorning #top5

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

Not remembering the name of the girl in your bed in the AM. Realising it's not a girl, it's a pizza. Remembering I stayed in last night #LAD

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

Shout out to all my followers! Looking forward to our first (and only) reenactment of #Jonestown later this year #recordsaremadetobebroken

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

Happy Friday! Retweet if you got through a whole week without committing a hate crime or accidentally sexually assaulting yourself #heroes

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

Bed after a bad day is like restarting your PC when it's fucked. Unless your PC has a virus...then you wake up crying #MorningGlory

[Captain Pancake @captainpancak3]

Splatisfaction (Noun); The feeling obtained through delaying a poo until a point of extreme urgency