Keenan Panitz

he's our hero

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

The perfect fire escape route doesn’t exi-
*gets burned alive*

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

In retrospect it was fortunate that Fight Club didn’t go with its original title: “Night club where they fight instead of dance”

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

Olivia Rodrigo is a white rapper

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

Feels like at the end of chess you should be like “chess” and “chess mate”

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

With my luck, <normal thing that happens to everyone>

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

If you’re not watching the @ValsparChamp I really don’t want hear from you during the Masters #pga

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

My face card doesn’t get declined but it’s definitely not accepted at all major retailers

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

Well then be remiss already

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

Yo momma so fat they had to rename her local in-N-out to just “in”

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

Every day is back day if your form is as bad as mine!

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

Find someone who loves you as much as walton goggins loves saying “yo daddy”

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

Shakespeare’s Hamlet was originally titled “Ham Omelet”

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

@PPRFantasyTips

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

How bad does one Carl have to be to warrant his own cavern

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

@WSJ

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

@PabloTorre @DarthAmin you guys missed a great opportunity to use this clip/pun https://t.co/UujxHCKKcl

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

I went to the trap, the mall, and the club. We must’ve just missed each other

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

I know a guy who really cares about THIS score in Mario. Seriously unhinged and unprecedented. Has anyone ever noticed or paid attention to or acknowledged this number’s existence.

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

Instead of Jell-O shots can we normalize eating a bowl of vodka jello

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

Yea I got a service dog, serve this dog with chili & cheese

[Keenan Panitz @captainpanitz]

How did they not discontinue sashimi after sushi dropped