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New Yorker cartoons without the drawings.

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Creative, imaginative, and fierce—these are just a few of the words I’m reading off the teleprompter.

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Have you given any thought to what you’re going to do with your life after the Super Bowl?

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I feel like my best passwords are already behind me.

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As far as I'm concerned, they can do what they want with the minimum wage, just as long as they keep their hands off the maximum wage.

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Forgive me, Doris, but some computer hacker from Rosyln, Long Island has just gained access to my feelings.

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Don’t these fools realize they’re violating every principle of feng-shui?

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Your skin is enlarged.

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His coffee’s always crap for about a week after the MacArthur genius-grant winners are announced.

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I’ll be in, honey, as soon as I rake the leaf.

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Globally warm enough for you, buddy?

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Remember, son, these are your tax-free years. Make the most of them.

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You’re a disgrace to your tax bracket.

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Rain, Your Holiness—may I suggest the plastic papal vestments?

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Ah, spring—when a young skinhead’s fancy turns to kicking ass.

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I’d like to believe we’re redefining the way future generations will waste their time.

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You may rush in.

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It's just that I would be more thankful if we had roast beef.

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You had me at goodbye.

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Susan, this might be just the wine talking, but - I think I want to order more wine.

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The playoffs are over. The Superbowl is over. Gone. Gone. Gone.