Carson Webber

Everything is fine.

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

Chow main is omnidirectional

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

“It’s the passive aggressive protest of the lack of economy of scale” - Derek talking about beer tickets at Kaslo jazz fest

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

My friend Jill invented the chefs kiss and that’s the thing I’m most proud of

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

If paint cans were people they’d probably like “dude stop fuckin with my head”

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

I’ve met a lot of soups with noodles in them, and I can’t talk shit about any of them

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

@ellewolfmusic says that I’ve peaked at my Twitter game so I’m out. Sorry for all the laughs

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

My cat yells at me about not licking my ass and thats weird

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

I have a big day tomorrow. I have no plans but I can feel it coming.

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

If I had a dollar for every time someone said to me “Hey man, I know your heart is in the right place but you gotta stop petting that llama, it’s 4am” I would have 3 dollars. Which seems like a lot in retrospect

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

I wish I knew what “tasteless” meant cuz I eat ass all the time and it definitely tastes like something

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

Everyone loves a story about a small magical woodland creature resembling a raccoon who is sentient and finds a prince in the woods that they seduce and convert them to worship the moon gods and over throw the kingdom

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

If everyone could love each other as much as I love my price of unpolished amethyst the world would be a weird and beautiful place

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

Other than I’m on Twitter for a couple days I guess

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

@tedcruz was allowed to spew stupid garbage words from his bile hole of a mouth yesterday at the investigation of the fbi handling of the Larry Nassar case. And ask survivors a question!(!? Wtf is actually happening? This week is the worst timeline

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

Apparently people enjoy telling self-deprecating jokes, so I’m told. I just wish I was smart enough to know what “self-deprecating” meant.

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

It took me 39 years on this planet, but now I can finally say it…. I need new pants.

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

Every time a moth walks into a podiatrist’s office some one looses 10 minutes of their life to me telling a norm joke

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

It’s a lovely day to rant at a stranger about how we should murder billionaires and flip off a cop. Wednesdays am I right?

[Carson Webber @carsonforfun]

Meditation.. I try to make my mind stop working, I realize that it hasn’t been the whole time