Casey Scott

[Sarah Lazarus @sarahclazarus]

watch nevada walk in to report results with a huge iced coffee

[Rodger Sherman @rodger]

From the guy who brought you “the reason there are so many cases is because we are doing too many tests” comes the new hit single “I’m only losing because they’re counting all the votes against me”

[Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov]

moderator: vice president pence, where do u stand on roe v wade

pence: thank u susan for the opportunity to speak about trail mix and its various combinations. my favorite is the one with little bits of walnut

[¿alex? @hoemoticon]

me: “i’m gonna start saving my money”

my friends: “lets go out to eat today”

me:

[Caitlin McGuffee @CaitlinMcGuffee]

What the plate of nachos sees when I’m trying to decide which one I’m going to pick to eat.

[I don’t even exist fr @loccdawgg]

I really think shits about to hit the fan soon and he’s the only one preparing for it

[Grant Goldberg @GrantGoldberg]

me on april 14th

[Plex. @laz1023]

There are roughly 40 million kangaroos worldwide and there are 8 million people in Ohio so if there was an instance that kangaroos invaded Ohio each individual would have to fight off a minimum of 5 kangaroos and idk if we could do it

[Dylan Palacio @greentoepalacio]

Weird Flex But Okay.

[Jared Freid @jtrain56]

My mom watches a special type of news program that only reports on horrible incidents happening in places I’m about to visit.

[Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov]

the perfect date:

-romantic music
-a delicious meal
-a moonlit walk on the beach
-soft lighting
-the declaration of independence
-flipping it over to find a secret map
-it's treasure time, baby
-candles

[Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov]

i believe in disconnecting and relaxing after work so i only do three things once im home after a long day at the office:

1) think in great detail about every mistake i’ve ever made

2) look inward and catalog all my weaknesses like a maniac

3) chill :)

[Casey Scott @caseyscott_]

@nburton2 I saw a video of u ripping shots at 10am the other day so F for effort

[lila @franks_rum_ham]

If you ever see me laughing for no reason, i’m thinking of this video

[Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov]

MELANIA: my agenda as first lady will be to decrease cyberbullying and spread positivity across social media
TRUMP: tremendous
[trump takes out his phone and tweets "the coward john mccain doesn't want me at his funeral but i will be there and i will dance on his grave"]

[Beth McColl @imbethmccoll]

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.