CASH BURP

kkuhhnn.... kuuhnnn.... kuhnkuhshen

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

Coworker: How's your day?

Me: That's Sexual harassment.

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

Sending mass texts saying "Happy Thanksgiving" makes me feel like you trying to sell me body wraps and vitamins on Facebook if I reply

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

Mom: You're baking snacks for Christmas gifts?

Me: Yes

Mom: They better not have marijuana in it.

Me:

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

Nobody wanna be at OJ house for Thanksgiving. He flashback when he carves the turkey and boom, back in jail.

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

Know the dangers

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

*snorts green tea powder*

*turns into Incredible Hulk*

*masturbates furiously*

*transforms back to Louis CK*

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

So Mario becomes "Super" when he eats shrooms. Thanks, #Nintendo!

[🇺🇸 Happy ChillMore™ 🇨🇦 @cravin4]

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You're freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

I'm "John Stamos as Uncle Jessie taught me the word 'capiche' years old."

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

Annoying Chick: You never post "stories" on your IG.

Me:

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

Coworkers: How's your morning?

Me:

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

Friends: How's work been going?

Me:

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

Mom: Did you get your tax refund yet?
Me: Yes. I feel rich now.

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

"Y'all know where the Little Beach drum circle is?"

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

"Da fuck you lookin at, ese!??!"

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

Weekend Twitter is my limp-in bet on my return to tweeting.

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

Why doesn't the word "nab" start with a "K?"

C'mon, English language.

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

Whoa!
The guy who gave Kevin McCallister hotel lobby directions in Home Alone 2 might become president.

[Randi Lawson @RandiLawson]

Please stop calling this your "journey" Linda. You are selling leggings on Facebook

[CASH BURP @cashburp]

5 shots of espresso deep and my lips keep shaking like a Denzel Washington crying scene.