The Cassava Express

Ghana's premier source of unfiltered, unverified, and satirical news

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

Residents in several townships were surprised upon realizing that, with the local vendors gone, they now have to walk four kilometers to an expensive corporate supermarket just to buy a loaf of bread

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

Activists across South Africa are reportedly in a mild state of confusion this week after discovering that the mass expulsion of foreign immigrants has failed to automatically manifest into a multi-trillion-rand economic boom

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

Residents in several townships were surprised upon realizing that, with the local vendors gone, they now have to walk four kilometers to an expensive corporate supermarket just to buy a loaf of bread

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

Activists across South Africa are reportedly in a mild state of confusion this week after discovering that the mass expulsion of foreign immigrants has failed to automatically manifest into a multi-trillion-rand economic boom

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

According to insiders, the spokesperson’s inner circle has spent the last 48 hours attempting to cancel his 20 scheduled appearances on TV and radio

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

Sources close to the former government mouthpiece confirm that, despite a grueling 45-minute radio interview—during which he accidentally defended a policy from the current ruling party and accidentally muted his own microphone while trying to shout over the host—the spokesperson remains entirely secure in his belief that he is a generational PR prodigy.

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

The BuzstopBoys, drenched in sweat and covered in the muck of long-choked drainage systems, were treated to a standing ovation by a room full of impeccably dressed public officials. The officials took time to applaud the youth for "demonstrating the true spirit of patriotism" by doing heavy manual labor for free.

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

In a display of gratitude, the Ghana Government has publicly praised the Buzstopboys for heroically doing the exact jobs that taxpayers already fund the government to do.

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

The BuzstopBoys, drenched in sweat and covered in the muck of long-choked drainage systems, were treated to a standing ovation by a room full of impeccably dressed public officials. The officials took time to applaud the youth for "demonstrating the true spirit of patriotism" by doing heavy manual labor for free.

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

In a display of gratitude, the Ghana Government has publicly praised the Buzstopboys for heroically doing the exact jobs that taxpayers already fund the government to do.

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

According to insider reports, an emergency meeting was held where landlords debated whether to petition the government for a "special economic waiver" for tenants who drive cars with expired DV plates and have accumulated suspicious amounts of wealth

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

There is palpable anxiety in the affluent suburb of East Legon where local property owners are reportedly holding hands and praying against what they describe as a "sudden and unprovoked threat to the real estate ecosystem."

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

While security agencies are celebrating the arrests as a win for cybercrime officials, East Legon’s landlord association has viewed the development with sheer terror, realizing that their primary economic engine is currently sitting in a holding cell.

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

Canada said their highly trained decision-makers apply the law "consistently and without exception," though insiders hint the decision was finalized the exact moment the agent hit the "Images" tab and saw a courtroom sketch

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

In what immigration experts are calling the fastest background check in administrative history, Canadian border officials have officially barred Ghana midfielder Thomas Partey from entering the country for the Black Stars' upcoming World Cup fixture against Panama

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

Mr. Musk described the South African flag as "too woke" and pledged to build a border wall around the entire country to stop illegal immigration

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

Some accountants, who were still visibly shaken from the 2014 event, made sure the money went out on time

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

In a desperate bid to avoid a repeat of past chaos, the Ghana Football Association (GFA) has fast-tracked the release of nearly $6.8 million to the Black Stars ahead of the upcoming World Cup

According to insiders, GFA accountants are still experiencing vivid flashbacks from the infamous 2014 Brazil World Cup, where delayed bonus payments led to dramatic scenes of players refusing to board the team bus, last-minute cash deliveries in suitcases, and a full-blown bonus revolt that overshadowed the team’s on-field performance.

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

Congrats to @elonmusk on his trillionaire status. We can't wait to see what you do with X-Land (the country formally known as South Africa)

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

Hours after officially becoming the world’s first trillionaire following a sudden, inexplicable surge in Tesla and SpaceX stock, tech mogul @elonmusk announced his most ambitious venture yet: a hostile corporate takeover of the Republic of South Africa

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

Mr. Musk described the South African flag as "too woke" and pledged to build a border wall around the entire country to stop illegal immigration

[The Cassava Express @cassavaexpress]

Hours after officially becoming the world’s first trillionaire following a sudden, inexplicable surge in Tesla and SpaceX stock, tech mogul @elonmusk announced his most ambitious venture yet: a hostile corporate takeover of the Republic of South Africa