If you had told 15 year old me that I would be on the list at a death cab show one day I would have been soooo mind blown and excited and proud. Does anything maintain its majesty ? Its wonder and beauty ? What? Nature? The perplexity of existing at all? Certainly not guest lists
The glimpses are like a microdose of that grief. My mind dips its toe in the cold water of the grief and then backs out. Just often enough to remind me that I have much more to feel, and to make me wonder why I have to wait.
Staring at photos of my mom trying to force my brain to feel that she is dead. Sometimes I get glimpses of it that are so intense, I feel my body shut it down. Right before she got sick, I had a dream she got sick and died, and I bawled in the dream in a way i haven’t irl. But
I am kind of annoyed like I literally always knew my parents were going to die earlier for me than for some and it’s just a reality shock that I’m like 🙄 yup I’m there now. Would be nice to be the kinda gal who doesn’t have to sweat it til I’m literally old but that’s never been
I’m actually doing really good. I’m doing rlly rlly good. I’m so sad that my mom died but I’m so mad she sucked. Also your mom is always supposed to die right? Watching someone die is traumatic. Watching your mom get thin and weak and immobile and nonverbal and dead is scary
Anyway I know that’s why intense and im not trying to be sardonic I am also confused about it because I’m for all intents and purposes like doing pretty well
I’m so pro zohran it’s crazy. I’m just rlly rlly convinced that mf is doing shit RIGHT like he’s fuckin just shooting off here and there funding good causes and making shit happen left and right. Small random ideal shit it’s so sick
I drunk crashed out last night about my mom dying the same way I used to drunk crash out about her being an emotionally abusive alcoholic. Turns out you really can have it all
What’s sick as fuck though is it has nothing to do with the stuff that has usually been causing me a bad time for the last year haha. Except probably my mom dying a little bit. Will not examine