One Off and Three Sheets

less tweeting than a really stoic canary

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

You worry about Cyclospora too much. It’s living rent free in your butt.

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

Legendary Norse wine steward of the seas: Midgardsomelier

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

I bought stock in Texas Roadhouse. That makes me a steakholder.

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

Hooded Figure: Death comes for everyone.
Me: Okay, slut.

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

In business writing, is the appropriate term “kablooie” or “kablammo?” Quickly, this is important.

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

Relationships are give and take. For instance, you give me an erection. And I give you my erection.

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

More like Game recognize Lame.

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

Watched a short movie about a day in the life of a French donut maker. It was a beignet vignette.

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

I want a friend with benefits. Specifically, vacation and health care coverage.

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

The last time a “Christian” world leader fought with the pope, it resulted in multiple divorces and beheadings.

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

Everything is coming up roses. However, I planted beans and corn. What are we going to eat this year?!

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

People, please, Correlation is not the same as Causation. Or Creation. Or Constipation. Or Castration. Seriously, all different.

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

Cleaning ladies are steering clear of this room

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

Look, I don’t hate all trans, just some. Mainly Decepticons. Starscream is a bitch.

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

Coffee, Tea, or STD?

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

There just aren’t enough hours in the day to get all my work done, get a good night’s sleep, and fuck around on the internet from dawn ‘til dusk.

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

The soul-shaking difference between “Don’t try to,” “Try to not,” and “Try not to.” Use the wrong one and relationships will be torn apart.

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

Just replying “LOL” to random people selling things on the internet. Then blocking them.

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

“This is not a game,” I sternly say to myself while navigating through a particularly difficult level of a game.

[One Off and Three Sheets @cawdor]

She named the frog Anthony Hopkins. I can’t recover from that.