Mary Catherine

Bartender. Feminist. Dad joke professional. Pun master. Clumsy AF. Also, cute in good lighting.

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

Do you ever look at people you dated, or someone you just used to think was attractive af, and now you realize why your parents home decor slowly got better over the years?

Like, don’t trust your taste in people or shower curtains until you’re past 30. Maybe never.

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

I stopped mid-run on the treadmill, in the workout room at my complex, to turn off Fox News as soon as the old guy watching it walked out. He saw it happen. But I was not risking someone coming in thinking I was watching that, when I was actually watching Shoresy on my phone ☠️

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

Officially at the age where I have been given a phone number from a son.. and from his father.

Now all I need is the holy ghost, and I think I get tic-tac-toe.

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

“I like to meet people like this. Organically.”
Sir, I can’t run away from you because I’m at work 🤠

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

Today, I got certified on the reach truck ✨

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

My therapist has started being choosy with how she recommends I work on myself, because if I feel like it’s an order in any way, I will do the opposite out of spite 🙃 which could be part of my problem

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

Why is there an atrocious amount of grown ass men that do the toddler cough in public? Cover your mouth.
Y’all be single and wonder why.

The call is coming from inside the house.

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

Today’s the day I’m going to fight an inanimate object.

[trash jones @jzux]

i need to burn sage but in my brain

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

This is the longest vacation I’ve ever taken. And the best. We’ve stopped at every weird attraction.

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

@TurnOnTheRyFy @Jimyt777 have fun in Walgreens.

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

I just got my notes from my therapy session and I can’t stop laughing. I am unhinged ✨

[erika @yeeeerika]

if you fall at the winery that's a sauvignon bonk

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

I love justifying why someone is absolute shit. I have the time.

[UberFacts @UberFacts]

Howler monkeys with the smallest testicles tend to scream the loudest

[debo @killmefam]

Smart home devices love being verbally abused

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

Me: listening to my favorite book as comfort noise while I work
Also me: too enraptured in a book that I have read/listened to over 20 times to actually work

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

An older white dude asked me to model for his photography business while at work today. Gave me his card.

Sir, I fall asleep to true crime documentaries… so that’s going to be a hard nope on the chance that I would be unalived in a rando basement.

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

Things I didn’t know I would accidentally learn to do:
-hotwire my car

I wish I were kidding.

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

Casually listening to smut in a parking lot with my windows down

[Mary Catherine @cayteesmiles]

My friends and family: making fun of me for being an old person that always has werther’s originals
Also my friends and family: eating all my werther’s originals and asking for more like