This Charming Man

After all these years, my wife still calls me charming. She just says it with more sarcasm and disdain.

[rachelle mandik 🕳 @rachelle_mandik]

GOOD COP: If you help us, we can help you.
GODOT COP: [fails to show up at the interrogation]

[This Charming Man @Ch8rming]

@amanjo that's creepy. I hope she's okay.

[This Charming Man @Ch8rming]

Judging from the advertisements, most Cash4Gold businesses seem to be run out of frat house basements.

[Amy Dillon @amydillon]

For what it's worth, my rage in the Whole Foods parking lot is 100% natural.

[This Charming Man @Ch8rming]

I often quote Jesus to my coworkers. One of my favorites is "Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me."

[This Charming Man @Ch8rming]

Turkey bacon was actually invented by turkeys, to refocus our attention on pigs.

[This Charming Man @Ch8rming]

I'm made almost entirely of post-consumer material.

[This Charming Man @Ch8rming]

The most confusing part about the assembly instructions is why they weren't included.

[Lotus Eater @TheBosha]

The Mercedes-Benz E Class can recognize a pedestrian and stop, because lord knows you wouldn't.

[This Charming Man @Ch8rming]

Hope my hockey team keeps playing well. Playoff beards are a great excuse not to shave.

[Dave @gneicco]

Why do they call them Twinkies instead of briefcakes?

[This Charming Man @Ch8rming]

Fire ants are just angry wasps who never got their wings.

[This Charming Man @Ch8rming]

Someday, I'll master the sleeper hold and sneak away from stupid coworkers.

Until then, the failed attempts are getting awkward.

[This Charming Man @Ch8rming]

Even white highways seem to get adopted at a higher rate.

[This Charming Man @Ch8rming]

Our next generation will give up on aliens, convinced *they* are the intelligent life in the universe.

[shushy ❄️🌻 @rachel2manypaws]

I just did one of those dramatic counter sweeps like people do for the sex.. but it was just so I could make mac & cheese.

[This Charming Man @Ch8rming]

Wife says my snoring is a real problem in the bedroom. But honestly, it's a bigger problem at work.

[This Charming Man @Ch8rming]

I like pepperoni, but I won't admit to loving it.

I don't want to be the topping on a pepperoni lovers pizza.

[This Charming Man @Ch8rming]

I taught my seven year-old to courtesy flush. Now he's teaching his friends too. You're welcome.