I was 📞 number 5️⃣ on the 📻 station, 🥇 a 4️⃣-☀️, 3️⃣-🌙 🏖 vacation, deep 🌊, 💃🏼 🎣 ⬇️ in 🇵🇦, and I ain’t gotta 👀 my ❌ future 🙎🏼♀️-in-law anymore. Oh Lord, when it ☔️ it ⛈!
So I got the chance to spend the day with my new best bud Keaton. It was unbelievable to get to know him and realize that we have a lot in common. This dude is very special and has changed my life forever. Now I have the little brother I always wanted! God bless you my man
This is going to be a terrifying 48 hours for our LA firefighters, their kids, their spouses and their families. Please pray for them and don't take their sacrifice for granted. They're on a mission to save lives and structures tonight in nearly impossible conditions. #LAFires
Uber driver (in a Grand Cherokee): someone's broken into my car twice this month
Me: more like Law and Order SUV
Uber driver: it's SVU
Me: oh I know I was just making a car joke
Uber driver: I watch the show it's SVU
Me: ok
My wife’s obsession with murder mysteries is making me a bit nervous. If I go missing, she did it. Please forward to cops in the event that happens. If it doesn’t, she’ll most likely be upset by this tweet and that too makes me very nervous.