Matt Wilson

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

Today my (almost) two year old son barricaded me in the bathroom using a case of Diet Mountain Dew and then immediately stole my credit cards. The beginnings of a life of crime?

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

What is it about being a father (or just getting older?) that makes you feel compelled to tuck your shirt every time, including when wearing sweatpants? Maybe it’s only me

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

@parksandrec in S2E6 “Kaboom” at 1:38, Leslie says she’s in Eagleton, “2 towns over from Pawnee.” Yet the two towns eventually merge and become one in season 6. How can this be? And what is this town in between Eagleton and Pawnee?!?! #PlotHole?

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

I sometimes wonder why anyone trusts me to take care of patients when I regularly do things like try to unlock my car by waving my hospital badge by the door handle

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

I love YouTube cooking shows. If I win the lottery, I’m gonna cut my hours by 50% at work and start my own cooking series for the sole purpose of calling it Doctored Up. Dunno what it’ll be about. Probably cook with processed stuff like ramen but make it healthier.

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

@kraftmacncheese the cheesiest Halloween ever

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

I can no longer eat cookies in front of my 16 month old without him noticing and wanting some. Another milestone we just reached: he now apparently can renew an HBO subscription all by himself

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

Mixed fruit pedialyte tastes like fruit stripe gum. Amazing and worth a try next time you need some quality rehydration

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

@screagar Remember Galaxy Quest? The writers knew 13 seconds is all it takes

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

Ice cream bar manufacturers are really making a statement about America when they list both the calories in a single item, AND THE AMOUNT OF CALORIES IN THE ENTIRE BOX on the packaging.

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

@screagar But they managed to notice that kstate scored another touchdown! Such quality

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

I love both of my children, but it freaks me out how, for no clear reason, they both turn their crackers vertically to eat them.

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

I wish we could use HSA’s for veterinary expenses. The government may not think so, but my dog thinks she’s a person.

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

Remember when your whole childhood basketball team had to run laps together because one kid wouldn’t stop goofing off? That’s what having all these mask mandates reinstated feels like, because of all the those people who won’t get the vaccine. #TakeOneForTheTeam

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

I learned about Crumbl cookies because of product placement in a Bieber music video. I’m not proud of this, but I am glad that I found these delightful cookies.

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

@AliCreagar They failed to teach me that when I went to college for biology. I have edited my post accordingly. Also what is a toad’s favorite kind of seat?

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

Posted on Instagram- a frog that I caught today. Told wife I’ll get AT LEAST 50 likes. She asks...”do you even have 50 friends?”

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

@screagar For the record I HAVE 130 FOLLOWERS. But only 7 likes, so if you wanna help me out...#Influencer

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

“I want a whiskey. Daddy, get one for me”. -my 2 1/2 year old daughter. #UhOh

[Matt Wilson @chewbert317]

Instead of requiring masks for entry into the store, Bath and Body Works should have all patrons correctly identify a pumpkin spice candle to prove they don’t have anosmia before entering.