“9-1-1 what’s your emergency?”
“There’s someone in the house. He’s trying to kill me.”
“Okay, what I want you to do is get to your ballroom.”
“I don’t have a ballroom.”
“…Then may God have mercy on your soul.”
If, according to Kanye West, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches, and if, according to Lil Wayne, bitches come a dime a dozen, it means that one good girl is worth $8.33 USD (2015).
DARTH VADER: we MUST find Obi-Wan Kenobi
STORM TROOPER: there’s a Kenobi registered to a home on Tattooine
DV: what’s his first name?
ST: Ben
DV: Nope not him. First name was Obi-Wan
Me: During sex I want you to call me Mr. President
Bumble Date: No
Me: You want me to kill myself don't you. You want me to go into the garage and start hitting myself.
[SIMULATION TERMINATED]
Digital Lifestyle Coach: Okay Serb what went wrong there?
Me: I didn't love hard enough
It would be funny if McDonald's got a "Reverse Jared", where he's a big fat guy with a small pair of pants, and he's like "when I was thin I wore these. I molested kids nonstop, they couldn't catch a break. Then I got fat eating these great burgers and now I don't molest anyone"
I’ve been in a hospital waiting room for 16 hours today. After my Switch died 4 hours in I really started to notice how uncomfortable the chair situation was. I forgot for a bit after hour 3 of Judge Judy dulled my senses. The medical system desperately needs to be overhauled
The most common first name in the world is Muhammad. Utterly insane. Why do we allow this? I once knew 5 different Steve’s and I cut 2 of them out of my life. Max of 3 ppl with the same first name allowed. It’s a shame tho because 1 of those Steve’s was my best friend