blacker than gerbils

innocuous

[Αριάδνη @vvvanitaas]

bring back real addictions like cocaine wym you are addicted to jerking off and league of legends

[Noah Garfinkel @NoahGarfinkel]

“9-1-1 what’s your emergency?”

“There’s someone in the house. He’s trying to kill me.”

“Okay, what I want you to do is get to your ballroom.”

“I don’t have a ballroom.”

“…Then may God have mercy on your soul.”

[kacey @tastykacey14]

We only got like 10 new sentences left

[🌽Actual Jake @ActualCorn]

Luigi didn't do anything wrong

[Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz]

My new thing is when I see a spider in someone's house I casually ask "You training a spider?"

[Asa @xAsamoahx]

If, according to Kanye West, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches, and if, according to Lil Wayne, bitches come a dime a dozen, it means that one good girl is worth $8.33 USD (2015).

[skooks @skooookum]

The mild euphoria I experienced after consuming my first orange in several months suggests I was knocking on scurvy’s door

[Pub @PubWanghaf]

DARTH VADER: we MUST find Obi-Wan Kenobi

STORM TROOPER: there’s a Kenobi registered to a home on Tattooine

DV: what’s his first name?

ST: Ben

DV: Nope not him. First name was Obi-Wan

[John Frankensteiner @JFrankensteiner]

Martin Scorsese watching Joker

[blacker than gerbils @chiefbenttwig]

@kunoo That’s still about $28.50; that’s not nothing

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

This is the last time I volunteer for a photo shoot without first asking what it’s for

[Izzat Hayes @AnimeSerbia]

Me: During sex I want you to call me Mr. President
Bumble Date: No
Me: You want me to kill myself don't you. You want me to go into the garage and start hitting myself.
[SIMULATION TERMINATED]
Digital Lifestyle Coach: Okay Serb what went wrong there?
Me: I didn't love hard enough

[Mike F @DeputyWarlock]

It would be funny if McDonald's got a "Reverse Jared", where he's a big fat guy with a small pair of pants, and he's like "when I was thin I wore these. I molested kids nonstop, they couldn't catch a break. Then I got fat eating these great burgers and now I don't molest anyone"

[blacker than gerbils @chiefbenttwig]

@kaceytron i'll probably get called an "incel" for offering genuine advice, but why not ask Hasan for some (more?) help? that guy is fucking rich

[blacker than gerbils @chiefbenttwig]

Nina Lin is Awkwafina if Awkwafina had a worse blaccent and was more rapey

[blacker than gerbils @chiefbenttwig]

If a shark ever learns how to throw a coconut with any accuracy, the statistics are really gonna be askew

[Matt Bragg @Axialmatt]

I’ve been in a hospital waiting room for 16 hours today. After my Switch died 4 hours in I really started to notice how uncomfortable the chair situation was. I forgot for a bit after hour 3 of Judge Judy dulled my senses. The medical system desperately needs to be overhauled

[blacker than gerbils @chiefbenttwig]

The most common first name in the world is Muhammad. Utterly insane. Why do we allow this? I once knew 5 different Steve’s and I cut 2 of them out of my life. Max of 3 ppl with the same first name allowed. It’s a shame tho because 1 of those Steve’s was my best friend