Sometimes it feels like my friends and family don't really understand how much blood, sweat, and tears it takes to be this mediocre at a game I don't really like.
It's so much easier to be like. I had it man. I don't know what's wrong with me. I always do this. Like nah, you thought you had it. You thought you were good enough. You werent. The pain you feel is your wish to get better. Go study and the pain will turn back into its true form
You didn't "fail yourself" by losing in the crucial moment. You lost because you weren't good enough at the game.
The resulting pain is simply your brain processing the difference between imagined and lived reality. It hurts to find out you aren't as good as you thought.