Mike Varley Official

@underwaterbooii co-author’s most of these tweets

[Mike Varley Official @chipotle_mayo]

I couldn’t be trusted with magic powers, i’d blow up the moon or something

[Mike Varley Official @chipotle_mayo]

Our father, who fart in heaven

[Mike Varley Official @chipotle_mayo]

Broth is just non-vegan tea

[Mike Varley Official @chipotle_mayo]

Ever since i’ve discovered that you can play songs on the TouchTunes app from anywhere i’ve been torturing people at random bars. My latest bit? Playing Christmas music in January 😈

[Mike Varley Official @chipotle_mayo]

What’s everyone’s favorite unit of measurement? Mine is Footcandle

[Mike Varley Official @chipotle_mayo]

I just realized that the term “nickname” implies that Nick was the first nickname

[jess white @jessf_white]

you MUST see this illustration from baby kermit’s christmas (1988)

[no context memes @nocontextmemes]

so true

[Mike Varley Official @chipotle_mayo]

Jimmy Neutron is my favorite member of Boygenius

[:) @eviljuliee]

Real art serves as a brief comforting aesthetic reprieve. An interlude from the harsh truth of existence. Its intoxication allows us to regain strength in order to confront harsher truths

When one at certain works, one enters the aesthetic vortex for a moment to regain composure

[Mike Varley Official @chipotle_mayo]

Call me Harold cause she bouncing on my purple crayon

[Mike Varley Official @chipotle_mayo]

Bic is the Glock of lighters

[Mike Varley Official @chipotle_mayo]

eBay cart full of vintage Winnie the Pooh stickers totaling $90+

[Mike Varley Official @chipotle_mayo]

Spilled Guinness on my white shirt, call that Irish tie dye

[Mike Varley Official @chipotle_mayo]

More like yuckbang

[rin ☾⋆⁺₊⋆🇵🇸 @rinnystarr]

all i want for christmas is poo