Justin™

@swampthingraps. backburner. toolshed.

[Justin™ @chokeules]

been wearing this operation ivy shirt so long now it’s a rancid shirt

[Justin™ @chokeules]

Me: All I do is conjure vivid mental visions of apples all day long

Friend with aphantasia: I can’t even imagine what you’re going through

[GRANNY KNUCKLES @SwampThingRaps]

Run it back. Pure Quality ft @GHETTOSOCKS https://t.co/4PHnAs6U7g

[Justin™ @chokeules]

Imagine if you died and turned into your favourite snacks. That’s what it’s like for dogs when they turn into bones. Or cannibals when they turn into dead people

[Justin™ @chokeules]

Impossible to die when you’re middle-aged. The end-aged absolutely dominate the death bracket

[Justin™ @chokeules]

If you ever used a dental dam for oral sex then I hope you called it a beaver dam

[Justin™ @chokeules]

Cunnilingus, fellatio, and rimming : An oral history

[Justin™ @chokeules]

Apparently the guy who made Sandstorm has a mouse phobia and a peanut addiction that he can never forget, because no one wants to address the elephant in Darude

[Justin™ @chokeules]

Before we discuss malapropisms allow me to undress the elephant in the room

[Justin™ @chokeules]

Clif bar? It’s called Cheers

[Justin™ @chokeules]

thrown out of the bingo hall for repeatedly saying “that was not on my bingo card”

[Justin™ @chokeules]

“Wipe your feet really good on the rhythm rug”

[Justin™ @chokeules]

It’s always “you were funny” and never “you have a beautiful voice”

[Justin™ @chokeules]

Went to see a Placebo cover band and half the audience thought it was actually them

[Justin™ @chokeules]

I rented some medieval body armour. Let’s just say it was not my strong suit

[Justin™ @chokeules]

Had to put down my golden retriever cuz he didn’t bring me any gold. I said hey, you’re a loser, what do you have to say to about that. His response was rough

[Justin™ @chokeules]

Bus shelters are terribly designed. There’s no way you could fit a bus in there

[Justin™ @chokeules]

Fool me once, I’ll fucking kill you. Fool me twice, poltergeist

[Justin™ @chokeules]

guy fieri as whoppers:

[Justin™ @chokeules]

the fine wine in my cellar is aging like a human being with a particularly youthful appearance relative to their actual age

[Justin™ @chokeules]

hurts the ego when you see the cuck in the corner just looking at their phone