Andy Kelly

a.k.a. Snortle™

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

The Pope sent a formal letter of blessing to the White Sox for the playoffs.
Of course, Leo’s staff is still ride-or-die Cardinals.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

Comedian Carrot Top tried to take his own life last week.
Thankfully it was a failed herbicide attempt.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

Pandas Ping Ping and Fu Shuang just arrived in the U.S.
Great—more cheap Chinese knockoffs of the American original: Andy.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

President Trump is barring CNN from Air Force One.
The news network should count itself lucky—no one likes to fly with a crying baby.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

DNA from Thomas Jefferson’s hair proves his paternity to two of Sally Heming’s children.
TJ . . . you ARE the founding father!

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

A 6-year-old Chinese girl solved a Rubik’s cube in a record 4.27 seconds.
While the American kid chewed on the box.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

Trump wants to put snipers on his golden arch and fill it with ammo.
Better yet, just build a 2nd beside it and fill it with Big Macs.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

The president just met with the mayor of New York.
Desperate to get his name on ANYthing, Trump demanded the mayor change his to “Mamdonald."

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

William Shatner’s new heavy metal band covered Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train" at Riot Fest.
The TV icon punctuated the performance by biting the head off a tribble.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

A new wild cat species has been identified in Bolivia.
The discovery was made when a jungle biologist woke to a face full of unknown feline butthole.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

Ed Sheeran has lost all the opening acts for his latest outing.
The fear of a nixed tour has the ginger’s hair standing on end.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

After a 3+ month absence, Sen. Mitch McConnell finally returned to Congress.
But shockingly, NOT to lie in state.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

Jaclyn Smith, Kate Jackson, and Cheryl Ladd reunited at the Emmys last night.
Not only are they Angels, apparently they’re also the patron saints of tit lifts.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

A University of Akron football fan was given the opportunity to be the team’s Offensive Coordinator.
They won with a completed buttonhook at the woodpile.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

An emergency slide was blown on the Qatari Air Force One.
In his defense, Trump did think it was the button for the bounce house.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

This week is the first-ever Republican midterm convention DJT has dubbed, “Trumpapalooza.”
Pfft—more like, “Pants-on-Fire Man."

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

An Australian man was fined $1K for buttering a bagel while driving.
Totally uncalled-for...Moses was just about to take the wheel.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

Spud the bulldog has won the 2026 Top Dog championship race at Canterbury Park in Shakopee, MN.
The winner got a hamburger, the runners up—a nice trip upstate.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

The Michigan Wolverines won their season opener with two, last-second Hail Marys.
Sportscasters are calling it a great start to the Rosary.

[Andy Kelly @chortlesnort]

Fox host and Trump loyalist Maria Bartiromo has been fired.
She’ll land on her feet—word is Natalie’s hiring an intern.