Chrissy Kites

Final girl

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

This has truly been the year of walking around in circles while listening to absolutely nothing in my headphones and trying to remember what the fuck I was about to do.

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, my upstairs neighbor decides to listen to that Sarah Mclachlan sad puppy song on repeat. But also same.

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

I’ve been under 5ft tall for 31 years and I just now realized that if I don’t want to do something, I can usually just say “Sorry. I can’t reach. “

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

@Kylekowalsky No, ricotta see how long we can keep this going.

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

Last night I had a dream that I went to move into my new apartment and when I got there it had been turned into an artisanal cheese shop. Now I’m actually worried about it.

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

I had such a bad day that when I was driving tonight and something shifted in my back seat, I imagined someone hiding back there waiting to stab me, rolled my eyes, and said, “Of course.” out loud. To no one.

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

“You don’t have a sleep disorder. I think your issue is that everything is terrible. Seriously. That’s my diagnosis. Take a Benadryl and put your phone down. “ - my doctor

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

The only time I’ve ever encountered a celebrity in the wild was this past fall when I accidentally hit Phoebe Bridgers with my friend’s car door in a CVS parking lot in LA. I guess I’ll just listen to the new record and hope there aren’t any songs about me ruining her day.

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

@jhuts156 I feel the same exact same. It’s a fucking nightmare.

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

Eating cake for dinner and fried rice for dessert because it’s the six day anniversary of my 31st birthday and I’m in control.

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

@__j0c3 It’s an actual nightmare.

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

Remember that time we all “overreacted” after Donald Trump won the election and then shit got 10x worse than what we were preemptively panicking about?

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

I had never used the voice command function on the remote. For my first try, I picked it up like a phone and said, “Hello?” I wish I was joking. I might be an alien.

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

Social distancing has suddenly made me aware of how often I pick stuff off of my friends faces without asking. I’m sorry if you’ve ever been victimized. It’s just that you have a little something..right there...

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

Dude just yelled, “girl, why you look so mad?!” At me. I’m wearing a mask and giant sunglasses. Guess I was just stepping too heavily. My mistake, sir.

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

Today I went on a hike, ran across three snakes, and erupted into a meltdown in front of some poor family where I ran through the forest yelling at my boyfriend, “IT’S NOT FUNNY! IM BEING CHASED BY FUCKING DEMON SPAGHETTI! I’M LEAVING!” It’s not safe anywhere.

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

@Kylekowalsky The remix to the chicken, hot and FRESH out the kitchen.

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

Quarantine tip: My roommate and I play this game where we hide and try to scare each other and it really helps to have a more fun thing to be anxious about.

[Chrissy Kites @ChrissyKites]

@Kylekowalsky Hahaha this could be so many incidents. I don’t even know.