chriswattches

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

it me

[b @curseoffeeling]

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

@thelweiss Spoiler alert.

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

If the fans want the Chris Watts Murderpalooza, I’ll do it.

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

Since it’s Mean Girls Day on Saturday, it’s our two year anniversary. Time for the sixth chriswattches.

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

Super proud to be a part of this project @thelweiss created. Strongly recommend that you click "Listen in browser" while reading this guidebook for surviving the crisis: https://t.co/e3Lf3Krc36 #staythefuckinside #stayhomechallenge #StayHomeSaveLives #StayHome #coronavirus

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

Should I live-tweet "Chris Watts: Confessions of a Killer"? #ChrisWattsConfessions #chriswatts #chriswattches

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

END. Verdict: This was a ridiculous-but-not-terrible-somewhat-problematic movie but Jessi is significantly better at doing this (at least for movies she's seen about a trillion times). #shrek

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

1:23:09 Eddie Murphy = Smashmouth QED #shrek

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

1:22:20 The next time I do karaoke, I better have Scottish peasants joining me in the background. #shrek

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

1:21:36 WHAT ANOTHER SMASHMOUTH SONG #shrek

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

1:20:08 I saw her becoming an ogre a mile away. I'm a fucking intellectual. #shrek

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

1:20:05 Jessi: "I've known you for two whole days. This is the only female ogre I've ever seen. I may as well jump on that while it's hot." #shrek

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

1:19:30 DUDE THAT'S HOW I CALL MY CATS WHY WON'T THEY SAVE ME FROM MARRIAGE AT THE LAST SECOND #shrek

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

1:17:36 "Cue card: [laughter]" This is how all of Friends was created. #shrek

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

1:15:31 Christ, another wedding trope. Jessi: "I'm trying to get dicked down here." Tajana: "Yeah, she's going to be disappointed here. You saw the bulge." Jessi: "Yeah, like a Pokemon Digglett." #shrek

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

1:15:00 I've been drinking, but where the fuck did the dragon came from?! #shrek

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

1:14:12 Jessi: "Why does his vest only have one tie?" Tajana: "One tie, two holes." #shrek

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

Jessi: "Part IV of your classic miscommunications."

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

1:13:26 Jessi: "Dude, he's taking a shit right now." #shrek

[chriswattches @chriswattches]

1:12:02 Fun fact: Hallelujah has one of the classical iterations of word painting in modern musical history. #shrek