Chorizo Breakfast Burrito 🇨🇦

[Jessica Lauren @lejessica]

Everyone is cool until they’re drinking water and it goes down the wrong pipe.

[Fesshole🧻 @fesshole]

I've started washing my car in the late evening instead of the day. Because if I have to hear one more "you can do mine next! Hahahahahaha!" I will drown someone in the fucking bucket.

[Liam Nissan™ @theliamnissan]

BREAKING NEWS: CANNIBAL PRISON NEIGHBOR OF ANDREW TATE "VERY CREEPED OUT" BY CONSTANT SOBBING FROM NEXT CELL

[Molly Ploofkins @Mollyploofkins]

McConnell's on eternity leave.

[Mike Beauvais @MikeBeauvais]

The economy’s so bad right now they laid off both girls.

[Natalie Would @_NatalieWould]

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

And the Crunchwrap Supreme, is that authentic to the region?

[Smut Lisa 🇨🇦🇬🇧🏳️‍🌈 @SmutLisa]

Beautiful sunset over Guelph Lake.

[Chorizo Breakfast Burrito 🇨🇦 @clitfinger]

Why is this tweet blank?

[TJS @traderjoeslut]

only horny people can see this tweet

[Planet Of Memes @PlanetOfMemes]

No lowballing. I know what I have here.

[mike oxsmol @greetinghimeros]

obsessed with this guy on marketplace selling all of his sitcom style bachelor pad furniture bc his gf is moving in and hates everything

[John Fugelsang @JohnFugelsang]

My bank allows me to choose my own personalized ID question to prove I'm me.

So now when I call, they have to ask me 'Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks?'

And I must answer, 'Shaft.'

[Lloyd Legalist @LloydLegalist]

Yes, this floating tent sleeps 4 and offers a cool new way to die while camping.

[Bobble Bardsley @bobblebardsley]

How people can park outside my house in a 4-door car and then slam 25 doors will always be a mystery to me.

[Chorizo Breakfast Burrito 🇨🇦 @clitfinger]

@AnnaNoelleDua What’s your feeling on the McNugget Hot Mustard dipping sauce?

[Nayele18 @nayele18maybe]

A big fuck you to songs with police sirens when you're driving down the highway

[Chorizo Breakfast Burrito 🇨🇦 @clitfinger]

@wobblymami You may want to consider pinning this post.

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

They’re called deviled eggs because if you don’t like them you can go to Hell.

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

My uncle Daryl pointed a gun at me at a family reunion because I said that Garth Brooks was the first “real” country singer.