Carlos M

It’s me, Carlos Mencia

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

Wait, God is dead? Man, I feel old.

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

Avocado seeds, nature’s testicles!

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

The liberals want to destroy this small business owner

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

Throwing my head back, tossing a handful of chocolate chips in my mouth like a pill popper. Staring at my own reflection. I don’t recognize myself anymore.

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

It was a dark and stormy night, so I took some melatonin and got a good nights rest

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

You’d think the patrons at BookPeople would be able to read “compact cars only” yet I find myself wedged between a Lincoln Navigator and the Christopher Nolan Batmobile

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

Damn, a necklace is really just a lace for your neck. I get it now.

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

The customer is always omniscient

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

The secret to a happy life is avoiding doing things that suck

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

@SawyerStull Yeah buddy

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

A work/life balance implies that work is death.

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

Just saw a guy in airport security take off his flip flops, walk with his disgusting bare feet 🦶 to a recycling bin, pull down his mask, and spit tobacco juice into the recycling bin. Yum.

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

Nothing good has happened since sliced bread

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

Idk what HIPAA is but apparently it’s hilarious

[Pastor Ben @BenjaminPDixon]

“Rules are rules” they told sha’carri

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

You’d think with all that money Jeff Bezos would get his fucked up face fixed. Jesus…

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

I’ve had two therapists in my life and they both “moved”

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

I heard it was bad if your piss looks like Coke but no word yet on Baja blast

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

Not many people know this about me but I’m actually a professional golfer and a liar. you stupid idiot I’ve never golfed in my life

[Carlos M @cmorrison67]

Did you know Sir Isaac Newton went by his middle name? His real first name was fig