Coffee Before Crying

Mom of 2. 3 if you count my husband. Stainless steel cup enthusiast. Finding the funny in the everydays of marriage, parenthood, and navigating your 30s.

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

3: MOMMY!! CAN YOU OPEN MY SNACK?!

Me: There’s another perfectly capable parent sitting next to you on the couch. Please ask him.

3: WHERE?!

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

Me: okay goodnight, I love you, I’ll see you in the morning, don’t call me back in here.

*5 mins later*

3: DADDYYYYY!!!

This kid and her loopholes.

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

I’m convinced we have a poltergeist but I’m pretty sure it’s just my ADHD.

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

5: Mommy we had Gatorade at camp today. Doesn’t taste like gators.

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

Watched Sword in the Stone with the kids last night. My 5 year old promptly knighted me with a plastic sword. My 3 year old also knighted me, but with a diaper cream spatula.

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

In case you’re wondering what kids are like, my youngest just smeared sour cream all over her face and arms pretending it was sunscreen.

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

3: mommy there’s a dead bug on the floor
Me: okay let’s clean it up
3: why did it die?
Me: maybe someone asked it too many questions and it just died
3: why?
Me: because that happens sometimes
3: why?
Me: *lies on floor*

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

Whenever my kids put straws in their nose or lick the ketchup off the plate at a restaurant I wonder, do William and Kate ever deal with this?

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

Vet: okay so your dog weighs 83 lbs
3: I told you he was a fat boy

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

Heading into a spiral real quick, does anyone need anything?

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

My favorite iced coffee recipe:

1. Make your morning coffee
2. Get distracted for hours
3. Add ice

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

Hey moms, did you know the thing that happens when you sneeze also happens if you jump a trampoline at a trampoline park with your kids on a busy Saturday? I didn’t.

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

I just stopped everything and spent 45 minutes scrubbing and disinfecting every magnatile in the house because there was poop on one. So no, we do not all have the same 24 hours.

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

Normal people: Yay it’s my birthday!

Me: I have an hour to figure out what to do with my face while my coworkers sing Happy Birthday to me

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

In case you were wondering what it’s like to have a 2 year old, mine just chugged her cup of milk like a frat boy, ran around the house, and then threw up her dinner between the couch cushions. We had cod.

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

@ericamorecambe Yes, typically it’s 9 or 10 of them

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

What is the appropriate amount of time to help your child look for a tiny toy that you threw away last week because they haven’t played with it or asked for it until this very moment?

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

Me: Ugh names that start with hard G’s are just awful.

My husband, Garrett: ……..

Me: I meant like Gertrude

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

Woman: please read the second line for me
Me: it’s pretty blurry can I see the next lens?
Woman: ma’am this is the DMV

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

2.5 with snack: I wanna sit on your lap
Me: sorry honey no snacks on the couch
2.5: but I not on the couch I on your lap.

So anyway, if you’re looking for a good lawyer let me know.

[Coffee Before Crying @coffeeb4crying]

I’m calling it now. If they ever make a movie about #AlysiaLiu, Jennifer Lawrence is the perfect actress to play her