colt

Thicc personality

[colt @coltmatocha]

Four Seasons Total Landscaping

[colt @coltmatocha]

Babies are fat because they're carrying all the skin they'll have for their whole lives

[colt @coltmatocha]

@jennacjordan @luke_winkie That's so you!

[colt @coltmatocha]

So embarrassing. I tripped stepping off the curb and almost ate ass.

[colt @coltmatocha]

Is the eclipse permanent?

[colt @coltmatocha]

*trips stepping off sidewalk*

Me: "I almost ate ass on that curb"

My friend: 👁️👄👁️

[colt @coltmatocha]

Hello Sharks! Today I'm showing off a button that plays funny dad one-liners when you press it! I'm asking 14 billion dollars for 100% of the company.

[colt @coltmatocha]

Everyday I'm becoming more confused

[colt @coltmatocha]

New Formula 1 team names:

Mercedes - Subway Eat Fresh team
Ferrari - Nike Just Do It team
McLaren - McDonalds I'm Lovin It team.

What are yours?

[colt @coltmatocha]

Very excited for the @Visa cashapp @F1 rebrand. I'm hoping we'll also get a "Subway Eat Fresh" team and a "Walmart Always Low Prices" team...

[colt @coltmatocha]

Four Seasons Total Landscaping

[colt @coltmatocha]

I tried to beat @FntasticHQ at making a worse "The Day Before" in Game Dev Tycoon, but unfortunately my game was too well received. 😥

[colt @coltmatocha]

I completely forgot that Creed is featured in Scream 3. Fucking incredible.

[colt @coltmatocha]

I'm on that 24/7 sanity grind

[colt @coltmatocha]

I'm a professional weekender

[colt @coltmatocha]

Can you imagine if Creative Assembly (Alien: Isolation) or Teyon (Robocop: Rouge City) created a Starship Troopers game???

[colt @coltmatocha]

Last night I watched a timeline compilation of every fatal Formula 1 accident. From the very first, to most recent deaths set to background music with clips of each wreck. Boy let me tell you, I am fucked up today.

[colt @coltmatocha]

Elon Musk is your School Bus driver and he's ranting about how he wants to change the name from "School Bus" to "Yellow Ride". The other kids on the bus are all crying.

[colt @coltmatocha]

@alltheblueroses Yay! Congratulations 🎉

[colt @coltmatocha]

HR literally just watched me blow a kiss to my coworker who then caught it and pretended to stick it in their pants.

[colt @coltmatocha]

I just met a dog and was told his name is "Netflix"...