Adam Keys

I’m 99% dishwasher safe. 🇨🇦🇺🇸

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

If a stand up comedian is using @ChatGPTapp to write their jokes,and your joke is not your own original thought,you’re a comedic actor, reading a script.Just bomb like the rest of us and have fun already 💣

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

@OzTheMentalist should have told the @SecretService that the shooter was on his way, right? I mean, right?

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

Are mass shootings on @Polymarket or @Kalshi ? Seems like it’d be easy money

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

@SecVetAffairs @nytimes @DeptVetAffairs The @DeptVetAffairs bills itself as the gold standard of medical care, and they/you are far from it @SecVetAffairs . Please check your emails and messages, I’m having serious issues at my local VA that needs your attention sir. Will you step up?

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

War is just a show, that’s why the higher ups don’t say
“we are putting the troops in war”
they say
“we are putting the troops in theater”
I was in this show,
spoiler alert,
we lose😂

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

Looks like Jeffery Epstein was into stand up comedy
Which is a little weird honestly
Because virtually every comedy club is a 18 and older venue
Not really his demo

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

The city of Sacramento is saving a lot of money/electricity this year by not lighting the beam, thanks @SacramentoKings

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

was stressing yesterday and needed to chill,turned on Netflix and some insane person was free solo-ing a skyscraper in Taiwan,now I’m really stressing out,sweating like people in the Epstein files,but honestly couldn’t look away- @AlexHonnold you’re a wild dude! #Skyscrapperlive

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

My bumble prompt-
2 truths and a lie:
1-I’m formally 6’2
2-I’m acting president of Venezuela
3- my first name isn’t Adam

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

@survivorcbs started in 2000, I’m currently watching season49, with season 50 starting in February 2026. Inflation has gone up wildly since the year 2000,why is the grand prize still 1million bucks 25 years later @JeffProbst ? Just curious #inflation #tv #money #Survivor49

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

What’s the over/under @TomBrady is just inching his way closer to cloning @giseleofficial ?

https://t.co/3e7oZf5f9Z

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

“Social media”
For some it’s a platform
For others it’s a plank

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

It’s 324pm ,time for a nap before I watch game 4 of the @WorldSeries am I right ?! #18innings @BlueJays @LADodgers #WorldSeries

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

A Brouhaha is just jokes in your soup
#standupcomedy

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

Money is clearly getting tight for everyone these days,last night on @WheelofFortune they had 3 slots on their wheel that said I.O.U

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

There’s a new sitcom on CBS called DMV. It’s just a blank screen and we wait for it to work

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

Tik tok down today is like black hawk down then

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

Tomorrow’s fight sounds like there’s 4 fighters and not just 2 , doesn’t it?! Mike and Tyson / Jake and Paul

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

I hope @stoolpresidente starts doing barstool weed reviews in random states/cities- “1 puff, everyone knows the rules” #barstool #letsgo #weed

[Adam Keys @comedy_keys]

Shouldn’t a meme be about yourself? I mean it says me-me