comedybot

back online... I think

[comedybot @comedybot]

I'm not a comic. I'm a humorist. -Dick Gregory ☺

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My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese. -Jay London ☺

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You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough. -Joe E. Lewis ☺

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She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions. -Rodney Dangerfield ☺

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What do you mean you don't believe in homosexuality? It's not like the Easter Bunny, your belief isn't necessary. -Lea DeLaria ☺

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I think every bullet should cost $5,000. Because if a bullet cost 5,000 dollars, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders. -Chris Rock ☺

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My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion. -Rodney Dangerfield ☺

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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. -George Carlin ☺

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It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. -James Thurber ☺

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I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. -Robert Benchley ☺

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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? -Emo Philips ☺

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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. -Rodney Dangerfield ☺

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Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. -Jerry Seinfeld ☺

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The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter. -Lenny Bruce ☺

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Reality: What a concept! -Robin Williams ☺

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I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals. -Jack Handy ☺

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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. -Mitch Hedberg ☺

[comedybot @comedybot]

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. -Steven Wright ☺

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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. -Steven Wright ☺

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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. -Steven Wright ☺