Comedy Buff

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

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[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

But, you know, you're supposed to crunch up cans, and I think it's a good thing. You know, you got the orange and then the green, there's blue, and you crunch the cans, you put that—and you should do that. I'm not doing it, but you guys should do it, because it's important. You know, it's always supposed to be for the people from the future.

That's how they try to trick you, you know. They always go, “The children are the future,” which is true, but they said that when I was a child. Then I grew up. I was like, “Here I am,” and they're like, “Now it's the other kids.” I go, “I had a feeling there was something here. I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one.” And now it's the other children.

— Norm Macdonald, Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

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[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

Super Dave Osborne tells a traditional bar joke about a man who wagers $10,000 that his dog can talk

Bartender: If he talks, I’m giving you the money. If he doesn’t talk, you’re giving me the money, and I’m throwing the two of you through that window. Go ahead.

The dog owner puts the dog on the bar.

Dog owner: Fido, what’s on top of the house?

Dog: Roof.

Dog owner: What’s on top of your mouth?

Dog: Roof.

Dog owner: Who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?

Dog: Roof.

The bartender throws the two of them through the glass window. The guy’s lying on the ground. The dog gets up.

Dog: You think I should have said DiMaggio?

— Super Dave Osborne on Norm Macdonald Live

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

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Where Super Dave Gets His Ideas

Adam: Norm told me to come up with some questions for you, and I’ve just been dying to know: Where do you get your ideas from?

Super Dave: Don’t ask that again. That was the dumbest goddamn question I’ve ever heard.

Adam: I just want to know where you got it.

Super Dave: I gotta tell you where I got it? At Ralph’s. Beverly Hills Ralph’s. Got it in the meat section. One on Beverly Drive.

— Adam Egret and Super Dave Osborne

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

I grew up poor, man, my mom used to cut my hair with a bowl. Which is bad enough, but then came dinner, and she served hair, a bowl of hair.

-Norm Macdonald (from Norm Macdonald Live)

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

I'd like to take a moment to address all the men in the audience: No means no... and bacalao means cod.

-Norm Macdonald (from Norm Macdonald Live)

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

If I was grading constellations, my review and description for Orion's Belt would be just three stars.

-Adam Eget (from Norm Macdonald Live)

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

I'm a gifted but self-taught composer and my masterpiece and Toccata and Fugue and what I think is D-minor.

-Adam Eget (from Norm Macdonald Live)

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

Last week Pope Francis paid a sombre visit to Auschwitz which surprised me because I thought he was one of those fun ghosts.

-Norm Macdonald (from Norm Macdonald Live)

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

I had a wild night last night, I was in an orgy. It was me, my iPad, my laptop and my TV while my phone watched.

-Norm Macdonald (from Norm Macdonald Live)

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

I was raised Catholic and when people find out they always assume there was some creepy priest involved but they never suspect the deacon!

-Norm Macdonald (from Norm Macdonald Live)

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

I've never been on top of the latest trends. When everyone was burning CDs I was still burning books.

-Norm Macdonald (from Norm Macdonald Live)

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

Veterinarians in Colorado have reported that marijuana use is on the rise among dogs. They say you will know if your dog is too high if it starts making a really tall sandwich.

-Adam Eget (from Norm Macdonald Live)

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

Hey, who's this graffiti artist who draws chalk outlines of people in the bad parts of town? I don't like 'em!

-Norm Macdonald (from Norm Macdonald Live)

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

Take everything you know about bread and throw it out the window... Now, let me tell you about this invention I made: Bread.

-Norm Macdonald (from Norm Macdonald Live)

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

If you're sitting around with your thumb up your ass, how could you possibly think you were doing nothing. It just doesn't make sense.

-Norm Macdonald (from Norm Macdonald Live)

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

Prison rapes are delicious. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, prison crêpes.

-Norm Macdonald (from Norm Macdonald Live)

[Comedy Buff @comedybuffjokes]

Ever since Trump's new immigration policy came in, the band 'Foreigner' is scared.

-Tim Allen (from Norm Macdonald Live)