Phil Burnett Comedy

Amateur/open mic comedian. All idiotic jokes/views and opinions are my own. It is good to laugh

[Phil Burnett Comedy @comedyphil1986]

Please share and retweet if you can 😁 @bristolstroke

[Phil Burnett Comedy @comedyphil1986]

I will be performing a 5 minute set at Ultra Comedy on Sunday 14th December for my chosen charity @bristolstroke. Tickets are £25 each and can be purchased below.
https://t.co/aPRUBM3W6c

[Phil Burnett Comedy @comedyphil1986]

I am thinking of writing a new rush hour film. Rush Hour: Tfl. Why is everyone in London always in a rush? #chillout

[Phil Burnett Comedy @comedyphil1986]

I used to be on a fb group called I secretly want to punch slow walking people in the back of the head, but now I am one of them! 🤦🤣

[Phil Burnett Comedy @comedyphil1986]

What do you get if you cross an agnostic, atheist and dyslexic? Someone lying awake at night wandering if there really is a dog

[Phil Burnett Comedy @comedyphil1986]

There is a new dating app coming out, called Screwfix

[Phil Burnett Comedy @comedyphil1986]

There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't.

[Phil Burnett Comedy @comedyphil1986]

I tried to write a few jokes about unemployment but none of them work

[Phil Burnett Comedy @comedyphil1986]

Did you know 91.2345678% of statistics are made up on the spot?