Comedywire

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Signs the end is near:

• All the Kool-Aid is gone

• The billionaires are escaping into space

• You just paid off your student loans

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Signs you've eaten too much candy:

• Your waistline went from Fun to King Size

• Your pronouns are now "Her/Shey"

• Your dentist named their boat after you

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Signs your campaign is too dirty:

• Steve Bannon thinks you took things too far

• You changed your name to Meta

• Even dead people don't want to vote for you

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Worst things to hear at the World Series:

• "And now we go to the top of the 15th inning..."

• "Did you see the great seats Steve Bartman got?"

• Joe Buck

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Signs you've spent too much time on social media:

• You see your baby falling and you grab your camera

• At the end of your session, you ask your therapist to "like and subscribe"

• You speak in 280 characters or less

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Signs you're living in a reality show:

• Your cat just told you she needs a better contract

• You refer to all your relationships as ‘alliances’

• When you get naked, your genitals become blurry

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Signs it's time to buy a new computer:

• Your cat won't even sit on it

• The little paperclip tells you to

• You're Hunter Biden

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Signs you're at a bad seafood restaurant:

• The waiter asks if you've seen a crab crawling around with a gunshot wound.

• The lobsters pick you.

• They're known for their cheddar biscuits.

#NationalSeafoodBisqueDay

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Worst things to hear in a science lab:

• "Some say monster, I say Nobel Prize."

• "Define 'too much radiation.'"

• Nickelback

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Unexpected ways a boss can make their employees happy:

• Getting over their obsession with productivity

• "Casual Sex Fridays"

• Launching themselves into space... and actually staying there this time

#BossDay

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Reasons cake is better than pie:

• You don't have to pretend to care about cake crust

• Pi is only good for measuring a cake's circumference

• Rarely does a stripper jump out of a pie

#NationalDessertDay

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Signs it's time to find a new gym:

• Your gym is called "2.4 Hour Fitness"

• The shower is on OnlyFans

• The pool is inflatable

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Signs you've had too much coffee:

• Your 23 and Me came back and you're 33% dark-roasted
• The cat's holding the laser pointer and you're the one chasing it
• The people at Starbucks are actually spelling your name right

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Ways to make the DMV more fun:

- Pin the tail on the eye chart

- Change it to the "Department of Motörhead Vehicles"

- Make it a drive-through

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Signs you have a dumb dog:

• He never responds when you ask who the good boy is.

• He chases cars. Parked ones.

• He's refusing to take the vaccine.

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Tell me you're from the South without telling me you're from the South:

"Aww, this topic? Bless your heart."

"Have you tried this new dating app? It's called https://t.co/81QIeUFHb3."

"I have COVID."

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Signs you're staying at a bad hotel:

• They changed the name to "Worst Western"

• When you call about the dead hooker in the bathtub, they offer to replace her with a fresh one.

• Two words: Incontinental Breakfast

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Signs the pumpkin spice craze has gone too far:

- They added it to the Covid vaccine to make it more popular.
- Pumpkin spice tampons.
- It's April.

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Things you shouldn't say to the President:

"Oops, I meant to say don't press that button."

"Help! Your approval has fallen and it can't get up."

"Can I borrow your son's laptop?"

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Signs it's time to buy a new phone:

- When you dial, you are sick and tired of saying “one ringy dingy.”
- It won’t let you check your MySpace acct.
- You bought it yesterday.