pishi

22☆ she/her
-

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

so fucking lonely i cant tell anyone what im going through bc for some reason telling people you have an ed activates their brain to become disordered too and what business do i have telling my friends i starve myself bc i hate my body like thats embarrassing

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

i wish i died in my sleep

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

might start sh again lowkey smoking isnt enough to cope anymore

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

they dont tell you that an ed leaves you like this some nights

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

i should be able to continue my 4550cal per week until late november then i start eating at maintenance until i finish exams and come back from visiting my sister. unless running x3 a week makes me short circuit

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

theoretically i should be -2kg from past 2 weeks. I'll find a way to weight myself in like ~3 weeks

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

love omading my meal in a bottle it has 35g of protein and tastes like milkshake. i just sip it throughout the day

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

baffles me how most calorie apps and calculators dont let you go below a certain bmi when every influencer and singer and actor and their mother looks bmi 15

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

i want to be frail and actually look like it instead of feeling like it bc im starving

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

worst ana cant even do a 10 min jog

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

already strategizing how to eat when i go on a 2 day trip with friends in 2 weeks so they dont suspect anything. thinking i skip breakfast or eat a tiny portion if everyone does and whatever i order i dont finish and just say im full or dont have the appetite..

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

theoretically 5-6 more weeks of consistency to gw and if i see no results ill switch tactics ig

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

also my scale broke when i moved so ive not checked my weight in 4 months and i dont trust that shit either so my bmi and deficit is a mystery to me im just watching for results

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

been trying to convince myself none of this is serious and an ordinary person doesn't starve themselves to like their body but man this shit feels so unbelievably lonely

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

me when my bf picked me up and asked 'have you gotten lighter'

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

why do i yearn for my online friend when im with my bf in the flesh? i wake up in the middle of the night with my body giving up and screaming at me and the first person i think of is him and not my bf who's next to me. i want to die.

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

lowkey most consistent ive ever been(besides the steps, cant do that shit anymore) gonna fast tomorrow while busy in uni and hope I dont get a raging headache at night again

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

28h rawdogging fast no 0 cal drinks or gum just some water 11k steps 5h of sleep bleeding for over a week from contraceptive lost my tamagotchi shaking from the cold hand scarred and hurt from lighter and wringing hot water feeling helpless not being able to do anything for him

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

nah man im pathetic i actually started crying and it got worse when he noticed and started comforting me like he's the one in pain and i just make it about me for no reason

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

+havent eaten anything in 24+ hours, headache killing me and he pushes away my hand when i try to hold his hand after he wakes up in pain. all while ive been keeping myself awake in case of an emergency to take him to the hospital. heart literally sank into a pit for a moment

[pishi @cookieincarnate]

been worrying and looking after my bf while he's been sick for the past 3 days- i cook him food and give him plenty of warm milk and tea, burning my hand to keep warming him up a towel all while im restricting+