SpacedMom

Writer of freelance copy. Cultivator of small humans. Documenter of absurdity. / Header by the talented @mommy_cusses

[SpacedMom @copymama]

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

[SpacedMom @copymama]

@bensmom33

[SpacedMom @copymama]

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

[McDad @mcdadstuff]

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

[Uncle Bob 🍩 @UncleBob56]

A scammer called me and said he had all my passwords...

"You're a lifesaver! Hang on while I grab a pen and paper."

[Nadine Antoinette 🖤📚 @Lilblack_heart]

me: i make a mean grilled cheese

my grilled cheese: go fuck yourself

[FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud]

One-upping the other new members at juggling club by starting with katanas

[FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud]

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

[FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud]

In France, automobile thieves are called carjacquers.

[FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud]

Back in the day Mike Tyson was known as Iron Mike and he was a Fe-nom send tweet

[FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud]

[Getting tazed on the bus] I’m the conductor now lmfaoooo

[FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud]

[sees a guy selling drugs outside the supermarket] *whispers to self* Pablo Tescobar

[meghan @deloisivete]

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese's peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

What must a pancake think when it's being flipped? Doubtless something jolly.

[SpacedMom @copymama]

@jentheboo123 “She would maybe help you out if no one else was available.”

[SpacedMom @copymama]

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

[Sweet Momissa @sweetmomissa]

Nancy Drew and the case of the mysterious acronym my teen sent me that I can’t figure out.

[Kellalena @topaz_kell]

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re