freckles&serotonin

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

the bravest thing you could ever do is is let someone hurt you and still talk beautifully about them

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

my dog got hit by a car & ran to the pharmacy

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

homeownership means masterbating to Lowe’s home improvement ads

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

tonight I decided to become impaired & go chat online with a zappos agent. this resulted in free birkenstocks. you could say it was a gud night

[Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump]

Crazy Joe Biden is trying to act like a tough guy. Actually, he is weak, both mentally and physically, and yet he threatens me, for the second time, with physical assault. He doesn’t know me, but he would go down fast and hard, crying all the way. Don’t threaten people Joe!

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

while all my friends are waiting to go into childbirth I’m just sittin here waiting to have a seizure. it cool

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

whenever I feel bloated I just listen to voicemails from my angry father. instant laxative

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

@ShelbyKeeler I keep replaying her trying to leave with you the other night. It’s been my nightmares for the past 3 days.

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

@ShelbyKeeler Wow this is the greatest tweet of all time

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

you know it’s gonna be a long day when you’ve already anxiety flossed twice

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

“Third base is me telling you about my father”

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

I’m a psycho

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

how pissed off I get when someone’s bitmoji doesn’t look like them is unacceptable. but it just makes me question, like does that person have zero self awareness?

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

what am I supposed to do for fun when my house is already clean

[Elon Musk @elonmusk]

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

News: IKEA Founder, Ingvar Kamprad, Dies At 91

Me: I hope he has an IKEA casket so he has to experience how shitty his furniture is for the rest of time

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

you don’t realize how bad your commitment issues are until it’s time to buy a couch

[freckles&serotonin @corgifreckles]

the feeling you get right after you cut your toenails has got to be one of the greatest things in the world