Peter Forney

[Dave Itzkoff @ditzkoff]

An Open Flame being considered for Secretary of Gasoline

[Adrian Bott @Cavalorn]

'I never thought leopards would eat MY face,' sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party.

[Nerd Girl Says @Rachael_Conrad]

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

[justin serb-ert 🇷🇸🍉 @markocantdunk]

Archduke Franz Ferdinand in June of 1914:

[John Elwood @johnpelwood]

Seen in Alexandria, VA. The most important election of our lifetimes.

[Joey Politano 🏳️‍🌈 @JosephPolitano]

WE ARE SO BACK

[🤸‍♀️ @illusionturns]

You guys don't get it. Security takes seven minutes BECAUSE you were early. If you were running late, it would take more than an hour. You go early so you don't commit hubris against the airport gods

[Peter Forney @corsae]

@Arbys my friend is the biggest Arby’s fan I know. How can I get him the meat suit??? #HeNeedsTheMeats

[pete @seegerism]

me when my google maps ETA goes up 2 minutes: ah well. so much in this life is beyond my control 🤷‍♂️😌

ne when my google maps ETA goes down 2 minutes: no doubt due to my unprecedented skill behind the wheel

[Paul Phillips @BlueFlameBlues]

Coffee shops that open at 8AM:

[Ed Hansberry @ehansalytics]

Optimist: The glass is 1/2 full

Pessimist: The glass is 1/2 empty

Excel: The glass is January 2

[Jenna Cottrell @JennaCottrell]

when someone asks if you wanna get ice cream https://t.co/DcESW4le9B

[Max Steele @maxasteele]

I don't care who the pick is as long as I am the first person to send the tweet to the group chat.

[sophie @netcapgirl]

“as per my last email”

[Matthew Highton @MattHighton]

Microsoft right now.

[Gwdihŵ 🦉 @youwouldknow]

When your work laptop is absolutely fine throughout a global Microsoft outage