Cortney Kimpel

[Rick Saratoga @toga_party_]

My girl watching me drink 12 beers then do my Asian accent to the waiter at Chili’s

[Cortney Kimpel @cortneydavis]

"Cash me outside, how bow dah?"

[Cortney Kimpel @cortneydavis]

The fact people still use Twitter is crazy to me. I post like once a year because I completely forget it even exists.

[Cortney Kimpel @cortneydavis]

@whosrobertseed or when someone says "clutch" in a real conversation with a straight face.

[Cortney Kimpel @cortneydavis]

Having a baby is like taking care of your drunk friend. Babbles and puking with occasional emotional breakdowns for no reason.

[Cortney Kimpel @cortneydavis]

Almost 4 months old. 12lbs! Growing so quickly.

[Cortney Kimpel @cortneydavis]

I may or may not have watched #JurazzicWorld twice so far...one of which I shamelessly attended alone. @prattprattpratt is my new hero.

[Cortney Kimpel @cortneydavis]

"Why do I need to pay a stripper when I can just buy you onion rings?"

[Cortney Kimpel @cortneydavis]

Parent problems #836 is the fact your child rarely sleeps in its own established bed.

[Cortney Kimpel @cortneydavis]

@metz21 girl, we be fight'n

[Cortney Kimpel @cortneydavis]

👌 http://t.co/eVG7V6TrMA

[Cortney Kimpel @cortneydavis]

That one time (5 hours ago) when I had purple and teal hair.

[Cortney Kimpel @cortneydavis]

"I am so behind on editing"- me "yeah I hear ya, I am so behind on drinking my after work beer." - mom

[Cortney Kimpel @cortneydavis]

I am just fine and dandy

[Julie Bowen @itsJulieBowen]

.@pontifex what's your problem?

[Cortney Kimpel @cortneydavis]

@berkeleymaria come to Troy tomorrow and we will take some pictures.

[berkeley reynolds @berkeleymaria]

Men who cheat on their girlfriends/wives are the scum of the earth.

[Cortney Kimpel @cortneydavis]

Winston is such a little furry asshole. Constantly trying to wake up my sleeping toddler during nap time and ruining life.