Jeff Cosgrave

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[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

If 2 people are kissing in a Denny’s parking lot on a weekday afternoon, they’re having an affair. That’s a fact Jack.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

They’re gonna be needing hella rental cars in Seattle.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

I couldn’t even get verified when it was free. And my middle name is “blue checkmark”.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

If I was having an affair I’d put them in my phone under “Spam Risk”. The wife would be none the wiser…unless she reads this tweet.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

Omicronbie and Fitch-where the cool kids get their variants.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

The new variant tastes like regular variant with half the calories.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

The city named after popcorn mogul Oroville Redenbacher did what now?!

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

@KarenKilgariff Nooooooo! So sorry for your loss.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

Golf clothes are Halloween for repressed men.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

Old DMX (RIP) bit I loved:
Most people teach their dog to sit, heal, roll over. I do the DMX dog training. I teach him to stop, drop, shut ‘em down open up shop.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

@brianfmcdaniel I can’t read-waiting for the documentary on it.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

Have you ever “Big’ed” a girl?
That’s where you break up with her by telling her you’re a thirteen year old boy trapped in a 35 year old body and never see her again.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

Guy in a golf course parking lot: “Anyone wanna hit this bottle of Jamie? (To me because I looked) You?”

Me: “Not really the year to be sharing swigging bottles with strangers, but thanks anyway.”

Airplane crashes on us both.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

What’s the success rate of the vaccine against being mowed down by an AK-15?

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

Get ready for the influx of how to clean your bathroom videos once we can have people over to our houses again.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

@blakemarchewka I just don’t wanna see highlights of that cheater Ryan Braun.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

MLBtv should have a feature to not force you to watch the highlights of rival teams during the commercial breaks. Just a friendly coding suggestion.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

Clubhouse is for people too lazy to zoom.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

Here’s hoping the vaccine gives me a personality.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

I hope they put more security cameras for shitty hotels across America in the new stimulus package bill.

[Jeff Cosgrave @cosgraveyard]

Some would look at a package full of broken Oreos as half empty. I look at it as double the cookies. This pack of 36 cookies just became 72. That’s like a 100% gain in the stock market.