CK

moody in an allison janney way.

[CK @courtykearns]

I abandoned my Timehop halfway through and hours later, the app sent me a notification that said “don’t let today distract you from today last year” which is, objectively, horrible advice.

[CK @courtykearns]

@mrsundaymovies and @wikipediabrown It would make my husband’s life if you gave his 30th birthday (June 8th) a shout out on the podcast! His name is Jashon Bishop and this was his sister’s idea—please help me look good in front of my in-laws, TYIA.

[Dolly Parton @DollyParton]

Happy Easter, y'all!

[F. Scott Fitzgerald Quotes @F_ScottFitz]

"She wanted to crawl into his pocket and be safe forever." F. Scott Fitzgerald, On Your Own

[your software slays by the way @mirandafen]

when i die i want the swifties to investigate my murder

[esther povitsky @littleesther]

my dad just asked if i want to go see US the new gordon peele movie

[LeNarskus Aldridge @AdamL1226]

White people love saying “oh that was terrible” after throwing a frisbee

[CK @courtykearns]

Today we started catered lunches for election season. From now until November 6th, how many times do you think my boss will ask if there were enough non-dairy options for me to choose from? My guess is at least twice per day.

[CK @courtykearns]

@sug_knight My angel

[CK @courtykearns]

My dream scenario is to just be in a quiet room by myself listening to .@jvn just explaining things to me???

[CK @courtykearns]

@ReaganReagan0 Sun Valley!

[CK @courtykearns]

Hey everyone. Quick update on this. He moved to Barcelona. As in Spain.

[CK @courtykearns]

Does anyone know how the guy who ghosted me in February is doing

[CK @courtykearns]

When he left the room, witnessing coworkers said they agreed with me, but that the other guy was “intense” and “scary,” so they didn’t argue back. Can you believe we created this world ourselves? And can you believe this was just about COOKIES?!

[CK @courtykearns]

One of my coworkers asked my opinion about a certain brand of gourmet cookie and then proceeded to yell “SCAM!” over my opposing argument which prohibited an adult conversation and when I gave up, he exclaimed “THAT’S WHY I’M THE SALESMAN!” Toxic masculinity, my friends!!!

[Lin-Manuel Miranda @Lin_Manuel]

Gnight from the older version of you
Who remembers the very moment you are in right now
And is grinning from ear to ear, because
you have no idea about
the wonders ahead

[Lin-Manuel Miranda @Lin_Manuel]

The duel was on the 11th.
He died the next day, surrounded by family.

[CK @courtykearns]

Today my coworker asked why I don’t just “buy a house” and it was honestly too hard to find a tactful way to admit I still don’t have a super-good understanding of basic financial literacy so I said “~*~I’m NoT rEaDy To SeTtLe DoWn~*~” And HE BOUGHT IT.

[CK @courtykearns]

When is Kourtney coming home I miss her

[CK @courtykearns]

NOT AS HUGELY, BUT STILL IMPORTANT, HE’S WEARING A NEON GREEN ATHLETIC POLO WITH THE COLLAR SLIGHTLY POPPED

[CK @courtykearns]

HUGELY IMPORTANT: MY EXTREMELY MIDWESTERN COWORKER THINKS THIS MEANS THE SAME THING AS THE WORD “AWFULLY”