Christian Perez

Born too late to explore the world, born too early to explore the universe, but born just in time to say a funny

[SparkNotes @SparkNotes]

IS YOUR CHILD TEXTING ABOUT FRANKENSTEIN? KNOW THE SIGNS

OFC = oh foul creature!
RPG = robbing people's graves
FML = frankenstein's monster (is) lonely
FOMO = fear of making other (monsters)
SMH = someone murdered henry
BTW = (I will) be (wi)t(h you on your) wedding (night)

[Cookie Monster @MeCookieMonster]

If dat true, then me think sugar cookie walked so chocolate chip could run.

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

Today I had an “Improbable Impossible Burger,” which tastes just like an Impossible Burger, but it’s 100% beef.

[Gus Danger Johnson @Gusbuckets]

yo anybody tryna peep some 3, 2, 1, Penguins!?

[Neil deGrasse Tyson @neiltyson]

To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.
- Thomas Paine

[Kyle MacLachlan @Kyle_MacLachlan]

Itching for an adventure? Why not visit some of the IRL locations from #TwinPeaks ⛰⛰ https://t.co/PCDsK9lOJu

[Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome]

Nancy Pelosi told Trump, “All roads lead to Putin.” So, there’s an infrastructure plan after all.

[Christian Perez @cperez12579]

🎵 I see trees of green 🎵

🎵 Green roses, too 🎵

🎵 They both are green 🎵

🎵 And so are you 🎶

🎶 And I think to myself...

I’m wearing green contacts

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

I don’t mean to be a conspiracy theorist but the Nobel Prize for chemistry always seems to go to a scientist.

[Anna @AlldredgeAnna]

Odds that I'm assigned to read the SAME obscure piece by the SAME author in the SAME week by two completely different classes?? Apparently not impossible

[Sophia Tripodi @SooTrippyy]

This video of my 2 year old niece is the cutest thing you’ll ever hear

[Bishop Talbert Swan @TalbertSwan]

Calling a Black POTUS married 25 yrs to 1 wife with 2 children, no mistresses, affairs or scandals, ‘the antichrist’ but a white POTUS married thrice, 5 kids by 3 women, mistresses, affairs & scandals, ‘God‘s anointed,’ proves your religion is white supremacy.

[Christian Perez @cperez12579]

@Veggiefact The vibe is fish scales glued to a styrofoam ball

[Christian Perez @cperez12579]

What’s next, Medicare for All Who Are Somewhat More Indecisive About Their Coverage than They Will Admit to You over Brunch?