Candler Proffitt

I used to be smart

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

Me to the cashier at Kroger: It's okay I brought my own bags.

*Proceeds to hand her the bag of used grocery bags from my kitchen*

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

Also, while I'm on the subject of teachers in film and television, one cool thing about watching all my friends grow up and become teachers is seeing them all wanting to be Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society and knowing that they'll only ever be Bradley Cooper in the Hangover.

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

I've come to the conclusion that all I want in life is to get into acting so that one day I can play the cool teacher in a teen coming of age comedy. This is my Everest.

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

"Copperhead Road" is a great song to listen to on your walk home till you realize that you're air drumming in the middle of a cross walk with a line of cars staring at you...

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

I fight for the fish. I die for the fish. #TheFishAreDrowning https://t.co/1U3rLAYc2Y

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

Random Person: I'm not racist. I love Chadwick Boseman!

Same Person: *Proceeds to name nothing but Chiwetel Ejiofor movies*

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

Just posted a photo https://t.co/y3FAiOTrl1

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

Sometimes I think my parents are disappointed I'll probably never have kids, then other times they watch me try more than once to push a pull door and I can see on their faces that they really understand.

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

At what point is it acceptable to buy a used bidet? Asking for a friend...

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

God: *Inventing birds* Give them wings so that they can soar majestically through the sky.

Pigeons: That sounds like a lot of effort *waddles off*

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

I bought a $100 pair of Nikes but I only wear them with Walmart socks so they don't start thinking they're better than me.

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

Life would be so much easier if every other driver understood that it's my world and they're just passing through.

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

Individually, none of the food on this plate could really be considered American. Buuuuutt when you put all of them on the plate at that same time you get the most quintessential American thing of all time and I think that's really beautiful.

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

If I was the protagonist of a movie:

The Antagonist: You're a hard man-

Me: To find?

Him: *Staring at my massively inappropriate erection* I think we both know that's not what I was gonna say.

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

Had a lady suggest to me the reason I like sour cream so much may be because I have Eastern European ancestors. Like, no Barbara, pretty sure I'm just fat...

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

My male privilege is having all the pockets in the world and hating walking around with anything in them...

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

Nobody:

Absolutely Nobody:

Cool youth pastors on Sunday night: Man, there's nothing better than simping for the Lord, am I right?

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

Axl Rose: You know where you are??? You're in the jungle, baby!

Me: Yeah no shit we've been lost for the last six hours-

Axl Rose: *unrecognizable screaming*

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

If you come in an hour before closing, you don't get to complain about the quality of your food. You think our best cooks work the closing shift? No, it's just me and two dudes named Gator Bait and "Man Slaughter" Mike and none of us give a shit if your chicken tenders are cold.

[Candler Proffitt @cprof06]

The clouds are so low tonight, the sky looks fake.

I'm sure there's something poetic about that, but idk I'm just a screenwriter.