NotCraigBarkmam

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

Who was the greatest prostitute of all time? Mrs. Pacman. For 25 cents, she'd swallow balls till she died.

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I'm saying is Batman is a douche

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

What's a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there's a dumb guy who didn't take it out in time

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

@notjmac I would drag my 🐓through a mile of broken glass just to listen to one of your bunnies fart into a walkie talkie.

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

@notjmac Let's smash a 40 and chase some bunnies. I like bunnies with huge bunny tits.

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

Pro tip for picking up girls - Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a "worst trophy store" trophy, and then never pick it up.

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
wait...
Regular or Asian?

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told the scout troop to look out for babies running at 60k/h.

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time!
Yeah, I walked into the rack at Wal-Mart.

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

Welcome to insomnia club. God damn it Larry. LARRY! Stan wake up Larry. Stan?

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

Welcome to innuendo club. It's going to be a long, hard day if you know what I mean.

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

If you want to flirt with babes, use cereal slogans like "You look magically delicious" or "I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass"

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When it gets really dirty, I write the following on it.
"I wish my wife was this dirty"

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonalds.

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel horrible, but when I'm jogging, I'm in my own world.

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

How to open a letter:
1.Remove seal
2.Slide a finger under..What the fuck? The Seal is back. GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM, NO SEALS ALLOWE

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

So carrying around a "wet floor" sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon?

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

I understand that your body is a temple, but right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle...sounds like much more fun. I'm all about fun

[NotCraigBarkmam @craig_not]

@notjmac working a hotdog cart at the Oak. Whipped it out, put it in a bun. Chick sucked it back like she was a Dyson. #allbeefweiners