Guru

absolute cunt

[Scarborough UK @Scarborough_UK]

Surf's up dude! Country's biggest Pro Surf UK event returns to North Bay for 4th annual Scarborough Surf Festival. http://t.co/lTleKupclC

[Guru @craigaself]

Selfies. Because shamelessly flaunting your narcissism is trendy.

[Guru @craigaself]

A woman's orgasm is like the weekend. It seems to take ages to get there then when it finally arrives you're too tired to enjoy it

[Guru @craigaself]

usually when i say "excuse me" i actually mean 'get the fuck out of my way

[Guru @craigaself]

May you been eaten by a hungry pack of wild dogs and digested into the shit you truly are.

[Guru @craigaself]

I dont always clap my hands, but when I do its because Im happy and I know it 

[Guru @craigaself]

"Breaking News"
The inventor of the Anagram has died...may he "erect a penis"....

[Michelle Murphy @mmurphy716]

Stress balls work best when you shove them down someone's throat

[Guru @craigaself]

Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill & not doing it because you'd miss them.

[Guru @craigaself]

What do you call an Arab kid who doesn't give a fuck about religion?

Sinbad.

[Guru @craigaself]

Fuck yeah

[Guru @craigaself]

Lets have sex. Breathe for yes. Lick your eyebrow for no.

[Guru @craigaself]

I really cant believe Katie Price has named her new child Bunny

there should be a warren out for her arrest

[Guru @craigaself]

I'm not suggesting that my drug dealer is pretentious but he just offered me some 'Swarovski Meth

[Guru @craigaself]

There was a sex scene came on the TV and I said to my wife,

"Does that bring back memories? "

Yes she replied I forgot to wash the sheets

[Guru @craigaself]

@rachel_bamford 😜 xx

[Guru @craigaself]

Doctor, I'm suffering from premature ejaculation.
Well, don't come in here.

[Guru @craigaself]

Did you hear about the woman who was killed midway through a bukkake session?

She met a very sticky end.

[Guru @craigaself]

@rachel_bamford haha depends and what ur doing under there tbh 😂 x