ROLL THE BONES

MONEYMAKER..

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“MONEY IS LIKE MANURE, YOU HAVE TO SPREAD IT AROUND!” THE CLIENT LAUGHS SO HARD AT MY ORIGINAL WIT THAT HE ACCIDENTALLY PUTS "WORLDS MOST HILARIOUS INVESTOR" ON THE 200MM CHECK HE IS WRITING ME.. THE BANK HAS NO PROBLEM CASHING IT

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INSANE THINGS POOR PEOPLE DO THAT ILL NEVER UNDERSTAND:
-NOT MAKE MONEY
-PAY TAXES
-THEIR OWN LAUNDRY
-NOT DEFEAT THEIR ENEMIES

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THE CLIENTS IN THIS BUSINESS ARE THE FUCKING WORST.. JUST HAND ME YOUR STUPID DOLLARS AND I WILL HAND YOU MORE.. I CAN DO WITHOUT THE STUPID FUCKING EYE CONTACT AND SMALL TALK..

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MY ARCHRIVAL EXTENDS AN OLIVE BRANCH BY INVITING ME ON HIS “PODCAST”... ONCE AGAIN I AM FORCED TO HUMILIATE MY ENEMIES WHEN I WOULD RATHER BE SLAYING BABES

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“SACRE BLEU! YOU HAVE DEFEATED ME AT MONEYMAKING!” THE FRENCHMAN SMOKES HIS DAINTY CIGARETTE IN DESPAIR.. “YES BITCH.. AND YOU CAN TAKE BACK LOUISIANA WHILE YOURE AT IT MOTHERFUCKER” I COOLLY TOSS HIM THE KEY TO THE CITY...

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DIDNT THINK I WOULD HAVE TO SPEND MY FRIDAY (GENERALLY RESERVED FOR MONEYMAKING) BOISTEROUSLY BLASTING MY BOZO RIVALS WHO CLAIM I FUCK WAY LESS THAN I SAY I DO... AU CONTRAIRE (FRENCH).. I FUCK WAY MORE ..

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EVANGELIZING THE SHITTY INVESTMENTS IN MY COMPETITORS PORTFOLIO TO GIVE THE IMPRESSION THAT HE IS SMART (WRONG- A STUPID DUMBFUCK) SO THAT I CAN DUPE HIM INTO COMPLACENCY.. JUST LIKE NAPOLEON BONAPARTE, WHOM I DRAW INSPIRATION FROM AS A FELLOW WARRIOR OF WAR (MARKETS)

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THINGS THEY SHOULD TEACH IN HIGH SCHOOL..
-MONEYMAKING
-HOW TO FUCK (BABES)
-HOW TO KEEP THE BABES IN CHECK
-ALPHA GENERATION (JUST KIDDING- CANT BE TAUGHT)
-HOW TO TRADE MARKETS
-HOW TO CUT THROUGH THE BULLSHIT
-ALWAYS BE CLOSING (ABC)
-MARKETS

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“TESLA IS A ZERO BITCH!!!!” I IMPOTENTLY WHIMPER TO MY LANDLORD AS SHE COMES TO COLLECT MY RENT.. “I JUST ROLLED MY SHORT POSITION INTO LONG TERM PUTS.. IM SURE THAT SOUNDS LIKE ANCIENT GREEK TO YOU BUT IT MEANS IM ABOUT HIT THE FUCKIN JACKPOT MOM”

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“I WOULD NEVER OWN A MALL STOCK (DYING) NOR WOULD I BUY AN ECOMMERCE STOCK (EXPENSIVE)..” I AM GIVING A GUEST LECTURE AT THE EXCELLENT BUSINESS SCHOOL.. “YOU ALL NEED TO WAKE THE FUCK UP!” EVERYONE IN THE LECTURE HALL ERUPTS IN CHEER.. I AM NAMED GUEST OF HONOUR

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BEING DESERVEDLY LAMBASTED BY MY HEDGE FUND MANAGER PEERS FOR ONLY MAKING $100MM TRADING THIS WEEK.. GOING TO TAKE THIS FRUSTRATION OUT ON MY PELOTON BICYCLE APPARATUS FOLLOWING “A MEDITATION SESSION” WHERE I JUST SHOUT AT A PICTURE OF MY DAD FOR HALF AN HOUR AND PLOW BABES

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JUST TO BE CLEAR- IF YOURE TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME BY TWEETING AT ME AND FAILING BECAUSE YOUR TWITTER ACCOUNT IS LOCKED AND I DONT FOLLOW YOU YOURE PROBABLY TOO FUCKING STUPID FOR ME AND NOT MY TYPE

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”THIS BUSINESS IS LIKE A GAME- YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO WIN THE GAME” AN IDIOT AT THE BAR ASKS ME TO STOP TALKING TO HER.. “ITS NOT JUST A HEDGE FUND- ITS A GAME YOU PLAY WITH THE CLIENTS AND THE MARKETS AND SALESMEN.. I USUALLY WIN IT- THE GAME THAT IS”

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I HEROICALLY TRADE THE VOLATILE MARKETS ON TO THE CHAGRIN OF MY HATERS.. THEYRE TOO BUSY WATCHING THE WORLD CUP TO KEEP UP WITH ME.. “MORE LIKE ‘WORLD CRAP’” EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE (AMERICA) LAUGHS

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APPARENTLY CHANGING THE INTERN’S EMAIL ADDRESS TO TRASHFUCKER69 WAS SOMEHOW SEXUAL HARASSMENT? EVERYONE IN MY HEDGE FUND MANAGER CHATROOM THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS.. PC CULTURE AT IT AGAIN

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THE TRADING DESK BREAKS OUT IN CHEERS AS I SHOW A PICTURE OF THE SPEEDBOAT I JUST BOUGHT TO EVERYONE.. “I NAMED THE BOAT ‘HARD WORK PAYS OFF’.. BECAUSE IT DOES PAY OFF”

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“I GRACE YOUR PALTRY COUNTRY WITH MY MONDO AMERICAN SCHLONG (PENIS)” I SHRIEK TO THE HEAD ALLOCATOR AT THE NORWEGIAN SOVEREIGN WEALTH FUND “I AM IN THIS BUTTHOLE OF A COUNTRY STRICTLY FOR THE BABES, WHO ARE TOLERABLE” THEY IMMEDIATELY ALLOCATE $100MM TO MY FLAGSHIP FUND

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POSTING ONLINE ABOUT MY EUROPEAN VACATION ONLY TO HAVE THE SCRUBS START TROLLING ME.. STARTING TO FEEL LIKE SULLIVAN CROMWELL IN THE COURT OF THE TUTORS

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ON MY INCREDIBLE EUROPEAN VACATION.. A PACK OF EUROBABES APPROACH.. “EXCUSE ME.. BIG AMERICAN.. CAN WE FUCK? WE JUST HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT YOUR LATEST TEAR SHEET NUMBERS..” I CHUCKLE.. “PAST PEFORMANCE IS A GUARANTEE.. OF FUTURE GOOD SEX!” I IMMEDIATELY POST ABOUT THIS ONLINE

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I BEGIN MY POWERPOINT PRESENTATION TITLED “MALLS- NOT DOING WELL AND MOST LIKELY THE *BIGGER* SHORT AS COMPARED TO THE MOVIE” FOR MY ANNUAL INVESTOR DAY..
“TEENS HATE MALLS ABOUT AS MUCH AS HOMEWORK AND HARD WORK.. WE’RE HOLDING THE FOOD COURT IN CONTEMPT OF ROI” THE CROWD ROARS