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Simon Goetz
@crusher
Figure of speech.
Oakland, CA
Joined March 2007
1.2K
Following
3.6K
Followers
3.4K
Posts
Pinned Tweet
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 10 years ago
If shortening sentences is wrong, I don't want to be.
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
Working out isn’t.
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
Everything is an allusion.
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
When you date people who aren’t funny, the joke’s on you.
Who to follow
Jon Deal
@zuhl
Why won't you just love me for the person I purport to be? #BlackLivesMatter. He/Him
Sam Hey
@samhey
Say what again.
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
You want a girl who’s magical, then act surprised when she’s a witch.
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
Humpty Dumpty's girlfriend thinks she can fix him.
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
Knife collecting: using a knife to open a box that contains a knife.
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
Dogs have two reasons to like meatballs.
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
Jesus schlepped
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
Suspect that your therapist is a vampire? Act sunny.
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
Google Maps needs a sleep timer
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
Triplet should be three syllables.
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
If you kiss someone and get mono, just kiss them again to make it stereo.
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
Can vampires drink sun tea?
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
@chadjaggers
Thank you, Chad. I’ve missed the outlet.
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
May your love life have more squealing and banging than an old, rusty radiator that’s heating a 6th-floor walk-up in the Lower East Side.
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
Not sure if your boyfriend is a spider? Count his legs.
Simon Goetz
@crusher
over 3 years ago
Really cool to see so many cities replacing pigeons with bats.
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