Simon Goetz

Figure of speech.

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

If shortening sentences is wrong, I don't want to be.

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

Working out isn’t.

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

Everything is an allusion.

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

When you date people who aren’t funny, the joke’s on you.

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

You want a girl who’s magical, then act surprised when she’s a witch.

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

Humpty Dumpty's girlfriend thinks she can fix him.

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

Knife collecting: using a knife to open a box that contains a knife.

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

Dogs have two reasons to like meatballs.

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

Jesus schlepped

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

Suspect that your therapist is a vampire? Act sunny.

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

Google Maps needs a sleep timer

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

Triplet should be three syllables.

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

If you kiss someone and get mono, just kiss them again to make it stereo.

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

Can vampires drink sun tea?

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

@chadjaggers Thank you, Chad. I’ve missed the outlet.

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

May your love life have more squealing and banging than an old, rusty radiator that’s heating a 6th-floor walk-up in the Lower East Side.

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

Not sure if your boyfriend is a spider? Count his legs.

[Simon Goetz @crusher]

Really cool to see so many cities replacing pigeons with bats.