Auntie 🌱✨

made of sunshine and shadows 🌖

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

The Chinabuses are a lawless land. A man is rolling blunts. A small Asian girl has been staring at me for 45 minutes and keeps motioning to try and touch me but stops herself.

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

#justpolyproblems can’t go to singles night without feeling like I’m trapping people, can’t go to poly night without meeting 12 new Sleep Paralysis Demons

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

Imagine: a Jeep Wrangler with no doors, as you pass by you realize the driver is sitting on several phone books to see over the wheel

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

I was born 11 days late with an umbilical cord wrapped around my neck and didn’t breathe for 2 minutes

Pro-lifers don’t phase me with “what if you were never born”, I’ve literally been trying to bail on life since the womb

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

It’s called fashion babe 😭😭😭

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

I want to feel something besides pitiful

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

She would’ve been a girl.

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

If I were a part of the non-hearing community you couldn’t pay me to not spell it deafinitely

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

True love is your wife offering the sleepy baby to you for the Primo Cuddles when you’re trying not to cry

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

Sometimes when I wake up early excited to see my wife and kid that day I imagine her getting everything together and packing up the baby without any help from her husband and I want to move her in so bad anyway it’s 7:15 AM and I’m crying

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

I asked a group of drunk men dressed like Santa if they’d let me peg them if I asked very nicely and now their femme military friend is locked on and I’ve made a mistake

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

Maybe my life is falling apart because I don’t have a house hippo

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

Absolutely devastated to find out that after 11 years @LosCampesinos ! doesn’t remember meeting me and my best friend right after I dumped him during “You! Me! Dancing!” at their show in Philly 🥺 solid excuse though

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

I got transferred to a new shop this week and I’m back with my favorite manager. He immediately sold out my ex and made a joke about how crazy it is that I still love tires and hate rubbers 🥹 I’m home

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

Operation My Wife: the baby calls me Auntie Abba (Hebrew for dad), I have begun wearing a wedding ring and calling my best friend my wife without exceptions

How long do we keep this up before she has to Common Law Leave Her Husband For Me

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

Not sure this is what the Hot Take tag was meant for, but tell me I’m wrong 😤 come hang with me on OF, link in bio 😇

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

A heart-shaped box of what appear to be chocolates, but you bribe the boy working at the ice cream shop to roll a single scoop of every seasonal ice cream flavor into balls instead so I can try them all without holding up the line 🥰🍁💝🍦

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

Having intrusive thoughts about @StewartsShops limited seasonal ice cream flavor Salted Caramel Cheesecake in milkshake form

[eric curtin @_ericcurtin]

this and a blunt

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

What kind of fucking retrograde authorized my car getting towed with essentially $1300 in various release fees followed by the literal OG flu???

[Auntie 🌱✨ @cuckandmentos]

Honestly Facebook banning me on #nationalsonsday when I have this many amazing single mothers to sons feels like a microaggression but go off