🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️

🍁 23 yrs 🍄 mcredtwt + vamptwt 🎃 semi-recov 🚬 queer, trans, sw'er, recovering addict 🍂 ed est 2017 🧣 vegetarian ✨ seahorse dad

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

hiiiiiii I've migrated
@cyanidecals.bsky.social

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

helloooooo reminder to any friends still hanging out!!! im disordering in The Good Place and I would love it if you'd join me

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

hiiiiiii I've migrated
@cyanidecals.bsky.social

[cinnamon bun @notsofiacoppola]

@seawitchofedtwt there’s a hideous crumbl monster hooked up to a machine in the back of every store and they harvest his sustenance to make the cookies :(

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

@seawitchofedtwt it's a giant cookie. it's made of butter and sugar. it literally weighs like a quarter pound. it's not that deep lol

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

@wndrlndrEDqueen sorry for the defeatism, it's One Of Those Mornings 😅 I have had half a coffee and I'm less angry about the world, thank you for the advice, I'd love to dm u!

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

just spent 20 mins sobbing on the floor of my sons room because he is impossible to put back to sleep after the sun rises and I'd rather d!E then wake up before 7am but now I'm expected to be bubbly and playful as if it's not so early I want to punch anyone who looks at me

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

@wndrlndrEDqueen I'm not sure there's anything wrong with what he's doing? I would love blackout curtains so maybe he will actually sleep in the morning. if I could get him to a consistent 8-9am wakeup time, my quality of life would improve immensely. but can u train that ??

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

@wndrlndrEDqueen idk ive thought about sleep training but I don't know if it would help? he sleeps through the night most nights. he usually has to be fed to sleep but we don't rly mind. he fights sleep, here lately a LOT. but mostly I'm not a morning person

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

@kaywtbs some mornings he wakes up a little earlier, fiance feeds him & he goes back to sleep no problem, but if he waits to wake up until after fiance leaves for work (and if he does it's always RIGHT after he leaves), I'm almost definitely fucked bc he won't sleep after the sun rises

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

@kaywtbs it doesn't change based on the time he goes to bed. sometimes he goes to bed at 10, sometimes 8, sometimes hes up for the day at 8:30, sometimes 6:30, there's no pattern. we don't really have a routine outside of desperately trying to get him to go to sleep for 1-5 hours

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

@wndrlndrEDqueen and a short one in the evening, and the last week or so he won't go to bed before 10pm. I think it was nearly 11 last jight. that already seems way too late and I definitely don't want to push it further, we're tired

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

@wndrlndrEDqueen he's gonna be 8 months in about a week, yes. I do think we should put curtains in there!! naps are the only thing that keeps me slightly sane throughout the day 😮‍💨 and he's the one in charge of those & bedtime, tbh. here lately, he's been doing one long nap midday—

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

so does the screaming and the whining and the constant need for attention actually. I don't want to do this anymore

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

seriously I don't think I'm going to be happy again until he starts school or probably way after that. not to be dramatic but waking up at 6:30 in the fucking morning makes me full on sewerslidal

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

gonna be honest with u guys since I'm never here anymore lol. I'm kinda worried about my alch intake. we drink, like, a lot of wine? like a few boxes per week, 3-4, easy. that's a lot of wine, yknow. I told boyf no more vodka, but there's always the wine, and I always want more.

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

it's funny how the circle keeps going. I'd restrict again, but as much as I don't want to stress out my partner, mostly I just don't want to think too hard about drinking wine.

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

and it hurts, because you want to start, but you don't know if you can stop. if I set the limit, 120, 110, 100, can I really stop there? will I really stop there? you know the answer. but you see someone with a thigh gap and that desire comes rushing back like a drug craving.

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

wanting to relapse when things are different, when you have a life, is weird. you remember how when you were a kid, when all this started, you really thought you could just get skinny and that'd be it? how the dreams of emacistion, the desire to come close to death, came later?

[🍁 requiem 🔞 meet me on 🦋☁️ @cyanidecals]

once you've lived through the "I'd restrict so much better when I live alone!" era & far beyond that, once you've kind of got something going, and maybe you've been eating for 3 months, 6 months, a yr, it still haunts you. and you want it back, as so you have many times before.