Cynical Parent

Exploring the joys of parenthood. Sort of.

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

I don’t understand the people who say “my kids keep me young.”

My kids age the fuck out of me.

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

Shout out to all the parents who already forgot to move the Elf on Shelf.

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

Just overheard my 6 y/o daughter tell my 3 y/o daughter, “pretend you don’t have powers.”

I knew I lived with witches.

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

Day 1 of trying Elf on the Shelf for the 1st time w/ my kids:

I don’t see why people complain, this is kinda fun and cute.

Day 12:

Oh fucking fuck where do we put it now?

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

As a parent, which is more terrifying:

Painful screaming in the next room, or absolute silence?

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

Whenever I look at the top 10 trending on Netflix it’s always like:

1. Haunted something or other
2. Serial killers
3. More murder
4-9. Some combination of the above
10. Cocomelon

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

YouTube: Oh you’re watching a video for toddlers? Here, have a 7 minute and 40 second commercial for a personal injury attorney.

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

Billion dollar idea: Closed captioning when toddlers are talking.

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

Caught myself saying “let’s rock and roll” when it was time to leave somewhere and I guess I’m more of a dad than I ever thought I was.

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

It was cute when my 3 year old was naming everyone in our family and included the dog.

But then she finished with, “and Roomba” and I’m not sure how to feel.

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

Why do businesses still send emails to advertise that their website store is “open 24/7”? What year is it, 2002?

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

Parenthood is finding sand in your house when you don’t live anywhere near a beach.

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

Me: *coughing up a lung*

Zoom: Oh hi! Do you wish to unmute your mic?

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

5 yr old: Daddy, can I tell you a secret?

Me: Sure honey, what is it?

5 yr old: *moves close to me, speaks in full volume while spitting into my ear*

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

My toddler just complained that the bath was wet.

The parenting books really don’t prepare you for this shit.

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

Took my 5 year old daughter on an egg hunt today, it was awesome. The grocery store down the street from us had a dozen for $0.89.

Daughter was not impressed.

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

My super power is that I always pick the line that takes longer at the grocery store checkout.

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

Today my 5 year old informed me that I scared the “crack” out of her.

Teaching her the word “crap” would be better, right?

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

The CDC says screen time is actually good for kids as long as the subtitles are on.

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

Dry January, but for my 5 year old’s bedsheets

[Cynical Parent @cynicalparent]

Some dads are heroes, with many talents and abilities.

And some can’t fucking wrap a present to save their life.