david veta

[david veta @d_veta]

I wrote this!

https://t.co/mb7A9PySsZ

[david veta @d_veta]

Thrilled to share my second humor piece for McSweeney's!

https://t.co/4kjaVvoGvE

[david veta @d_veta]

I followed the muskrat down to donkey park

[david veta @d_veta]

What do we watch? Girls talking impossibly fast (Gilmore Girls) or boys talking impossibly fast (The West Wing)?

[david veta @d_veta]

CSI: my ass

[david veta @d_veta]

@Giancarlo_Volpe @ellensuTV @AlanCheezy @TitmouseInc My good side

[david veta @d_veta]

@sthor97 The only solution to a bad buy with a gun is me

[david veta @d_veta]

If I had a gun I would shoot all the other guns

[david veta @d_veta]

Car commercials are like “introducing a car so groundbreaking the designer was assassinated by our competitors” and it’s just a car that looks exactly the same as the one from the year before

[david veta @d_veta]

The cure to seasonal depression is being stung to death by bees

[david veta @d_veta]

Another Democrat asking for a handout @leggggy

[david veta @d_veta]

Please stop! I don’t want to see!!

[david veta @d_veta]

gf: what movie should we watch tonight?
me: *chugging clam chowder from a wine bag*

[david veta @d_veta]

Where does Indiana Jones go to the bathroom?

[david veta @d_veta]

To the tune of Start of Something New from High School Musical:
It’s the fart of something poo

[david veta @d_veta]

I wish there was a rehab for when you’re just really tired

[david veta @d_veta]

What if his name was Melvis

[david veta @d_veta]

@bleepcensor It’s called a bloody mary

[david veta @d_veta]

Bridget Jones’s Diarrhea

[david veta @d_veta]

This clam chowder is living rent free in my bread